Saturday, October 30, 2010

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week No.8




A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. 

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. 

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. 

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. 

We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, 
"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
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"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Im not good at giving orders





The car needs vacuumed.

Don't forget the fire extinguisher needs put back in the right place in the foot well.

Then you gotta go get the car washed

Polish the dash board the gear stick as well.

I had been pickling Mrs.belfasttaxi's head for the last hour at least.

My taxi was in for its yearly PSV test today

This is something I always take care of myself

I like it that way as if anything goes wrong well i have no one to blame but my self.

Unfortunately I have buggered up my ankle jumping up to run to the phone last night.

30 odd stone of fat man it seems shouldn't jump if he doesn't want to hurt himself by busting his cankle.

So my beloved is having to make all the preparations for me with me hanging over her shoulder questioning her every move and reminding her of things i know she already knows at least 500 times ever hour.

To say I am having a hard time letting go is an understatement its not that i don't trust Mrs.belfasttaxi I do implicitly,

but she does things her way which is of course well i wouldn't say wrong as that would get me lynched, but not my way which is obviously the right way!

So we grumped and argued a little until i was put back in my place by a flying pencil case to the side of the head.

When the time came to take the cab to the test centre Jr and me where deposited at my dads house with some cakes for his birthday while my dear beloved wife did what needed to be done.

After an hours clock watching in my dads the phone rang it was Mrs.belfasttaxi for me.

Hands shaking i took the phone.

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"What bad news?"

"You have got the wrong type of fire extinguisher in the car"

"Oh Sh*t"

"Its OK the cab still passed all we have to do is go buy the right type and come back to the test centre and show them it has been installed."

Talk about relieved.

Mrs.belfasttaxi even took care of the extinguisher for me.


So i would like to thank my beloved wife who I really do take for granted much much to often.

I LOVE YA


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Feckin Con Artists



I was talking to a fellow drivers last night.

One of a taxi drivers main hobby's is gossiping and as it was quiet we where having a right wee natter.

We had already exhausted all the usual subjects (football,rugby,football,Wayne Rooney and of course football)
and had now started telling story's about who had the worst customers in the last few weeks.

The winner with out a doubt was Bob.

Bob had caught a couple out a couple who had schemed up a way of getting their taxi home cheep if not free.

The story goes back a few months before when bob just started on the night shift.

He got a pick up from outside inn shops on high street heading to lisburn.

When he arrived he picked a well dressed couple in their 30s who where i am told to all intents and purposes very friendly.

Once they had settled themselves in the back seat they asked to be taken to Lisburn and the best way for bob to go was straight up the motorway as it would be clear this time of night.

Well off they went bob in the front following the instructions given and them in the back attempting to swallow as much as they could of the other ones face.

All was good until they where passing the turn off for Dunmurry, when at the last possible moment the guy yell out to take the Dunmurry exit.

Trouble was that bob was doing 70mph so there was no hope of him making the turn.

Bob being the gentle kinda fella apologised for not making the turn as he was going to fast when they told him to take it and besides they had told him to take the motorway straight to Lisburn.

It was now the verbal started about how taxi drivers kept trying to rip them off and all drivers where bastards out to rob as much as they could.

This continued for the next few miles until they arrived on the outskirts of Lisburn.

Once they had left the roundabout at the motorway and where back on normal roads the girl demanded that Bob stop the car.

Once pulled over to the side of the road she jumped out of the car still yelling and shouting.

Both of them insisted they where not paying the fare as they where still miles from their home but would not get back in the taxi with someone who was doing his best to rip them off.

Well they where making such a scene and bob at this point thought he had made a mistake not leaving the motorway at Dunmurry.

So he decided he had had enough, told them to shove the money and left them where they stood.

Bob grumped and huffed his way back to Belfast but though no more of it.

No more of it until last week that is.

Bob gets a job picking up at Kelly cellars.

Who should walk out but his two friends who made such a fuss on the way to Lisburn that night.

Letting bygones be bygones he didn't mention the indecent
(something most drivers myself included wouldn't do)

But took a real interest when they told him they where for Lisburn and to take the motorway all the way!

He had a sneaking suspicion what was about to happen.

Sure enough they where all goodness and light until just to late the told him to take the Dunmurry turn off.

Bob smiled as the verbal abuse which he thinks freaked them a little but be fair bobs gap tooth smile would make anyone uneasy.

They arrived at Lisburn where they demanded to be let out as they where not paying someone who was ripping them of by going the wrong way.

Bob told us there faces where a picture when he told them he wasn't buying it as this was the second time they had pulled this on him.

But it gets better.

Who should drive down the road towards them?

The cops.

Bob waved them over, but before he could explain what was happening the copper turned to him and said so are these two up to their stunts again.

Supposedly they did this nearly every time they got a cab from Belfast as they lived walking distance from the motorway exit.

It turned out they didn't have any money on them so the nice police men escorted them to the nearest ATM and insisted they pay for the earlier trip as well.

It was about now Albert's data head beeped one of us had a job at last so meeting over.

Albert's job was picking up Mal Mansion going Lisburn but i am told it wasn't them.

What the hell....


You got to wonder what the hell happened?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Preping Betty

My wee Betty


Its Betty's 4 birthday.

Which means its time for her PSV test again!

She hates it.

I generally hate getting her ready for the test.

This mostly due to my own paranoia.

 All of a sudden small minor insignificant things that haven't mattered all year have me freaking out!

Like the tiny scratch beside where i put the roof sign on.
It was there months before i even seen it, but now i cant take my eyes of it.

Some of this Paranoia comes from my own ignorance as to what will cause a car to fail.

But some of my paranoia is due to things i have seen cars fail for.

Mrs.belfasttaxi once had a car fail because one of the five mini light bulbs that lit the cars number plate was out!!

Did it render the number plate unreadable?

NO

Did it render the number plate unreadable in the dark perhaps?

NO

Was there any difference in the amount of light lighting the bloody stupid plate?

None what so ever!

Sometimes I think they invent things just so they can fail the car!

Failing a £130 test for a 20p bulb being out when it made no difference to the safety or appearance of the car.

I think my paranoia is justified!
So i am running around like a headless chicken looking for things to fix and melting Mrs.belfasttaxi's head with lots of stupid questions like.
Where did you put Betty's logbook?

As i remember i may have effed and jeffed a little after she answered 
"I'm not sure i know i put it somewhere safe!"

But two hours later and one tidal wave off paper strewn all over the living room floor we found it in a random box of assorted receipts.
The sooner this is all over for another year the better.

Now where the hells my Valium.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Good old cut you wrist music....


Slow, depressing and melodic but brilliant all the same.

For some reason they manage to cheer me up!!





The luck of the draw....



What a night.

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing goes right?

We all do i suppose.

Yesterday was such a day.

Nothing went right from start of my shift.

In my job you need a certain amount of luck.

The jobs you get given depends on where you are and who else in the same area has been waiting the longest.

There are some days where even though the company isn't that busy luck runs your way and your in the right place at the right time and every job you get pays well.

Then you get nights like tonight where the company was definitely
busy 

But you wait ages for each job and its only going round the friggin corner.

That's if you don't turn up to find its a No Job.

The whole night all 11 hours of it and i didn't get a single job worth anywhere near a tenner.

In fact only a couple of jobs made it over the five pound mark and I had to give discount on a few of those.
(Joy)

Ever so frustrating!


Still its all over with now and all that's left to do is grab some brekky and crawl into bed.

God willing tomorrow night will be better.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

When your to wasted for a Taxi....


Did you ever wonder how drunks get home when they cant get a taxi at the end of the night?

Well this Video shows you how they do it.
(And No I cant understand them ether)


Thursday, October 21, 2010

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week No.7



Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
 
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
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"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I seen this in a cartoon once.......



All taxi drivers sometimes scare there passengers from time to time.

For the most part they don't mean to, but when you drive for 10 hours anyone can and will make the odd mistake.

Like braking a little to late or accelerating to hard or have to avoid someones stupid cat trying to commit suicide!


The last time i scared a punter was a complete accident by accident i mean not my fault.

I had picked up two girls in east Belfast heading down into town for a typical Friday night out.

The journey was pleasant enough they where quite friendly,asking advise on where was busy tonight and all the usual stuff.

We pulled up outside Laverys pub which had a massive queue.

They paid there money

Then the girl on the passenger side of the cab let out a scream which made me jump and near shattered my windows.

This was followed by a look of terror directed at me

What the hell had i done?

I mean come on we where sitting still?

It turned out the dozey bint seem to think that pulling the handle on a car door should make it magically fly wide open.

She look ever so embarrassed when her friend reached around her and pushed the door!

But not as embarrassed as she was having to get out in front of the folks in that queue.

The car i taxi in the doors can be a tiny bit on the heavy side this is more noticeable when opening the door from the inside.

That said my 2 year old niece seems to manage.

I mean come on like i would abduct anyone in front of a crowd!

That's just dumb

I would use a dark empty side street like everyone else!

I will admit that before i retire just once i would like to aim the cab at brick wall.

Turn to my passenger and say

"Hold tight I seen this in a cartoon once, but i am pretty sure i can pull it off".

Just to see there face.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Sneeziles and the Dribbly shits


Im sick!

I hate being sick!

I really hate being sick!
 
I really really hate being sick!

Mrs.Belfasttaxi hate me being sick

She says she hates me being sick because i whine a lot when I'm sick.

I think that's a horrid thing to say to sick man.

I have managed to come down with my bi annual cold.

I am all stuffed up at one end and well shall we say the other end is well free flowing!

That's right my cold for reasons best be known to its self has decided that its main symptoms wont be a bad cough or sore throat or even a high temperature although i got them too.

No this cold thought i know what will get his attention is a tickly runny nose and a case of the runs.

I am frightened to sneeze.

Need I say more?


Sunday, October 17, 2010

If Hitler supported Liverpool...







Maura O'Connell - The Blessing..


I just realized this morning that i have never posted any music on this blog.

I listen to just about anything although I really do love live music.

(with the exception of Irish country eg: Daniel O'Donnell or any of his cronies)

The video is of Maura O'Connell singing a crackin song called The Blessing.

Its not my usual kinda thing but hey if its good its good!

I first heard this on the Blackstaff sessions a few tears ago on the BBC.

Let me know what you think?



Friday, October 15, 2010

Smokers........


Good lord they stank.

When i say they stank i mean they really really stank.

I have a very very poor sense of smell and I was gagging i even had to put the window down.
Never in all my years came across anyone who smelt so badly of smoke as these two women.

Part of me thinks they may have just rubbed themselves down with used fag butts instead of taking a shower
Not even some of the tramps sleeping rough, unable to wash and smoking dog ends where a patch on them.

These women where no older than say 25 and looked clean and well dressed, the best of it was they where heading off clubbing into town!!

What do you do?

Do you tell them?

How do you tell em its not like you know them?

You cant turn round and say 
Oi love you smell like a dead badgers arsehole sort it out will ya!

They get upset if you do that and upset punters don't tip.

So what did I do?

I asked "where ya fore".

Then drove there as fast as could while trying to breathe the air coming in through the gap in the door window with out them noticing.
Maybe i should have said something but I had to drive with windows down for about half an hour and buy a new air freshener before i got rid of the smell.
So i was a bit low on sympathy.


Bloody Germans...


Just when i think things cant get any worse the bloody 

Germans invent a driver less taxi!!!

I mean come on give a fella a chance.






Thursday, October 14, 2010

I don't want your money.....



I don't want your money!

Now there's a phrase I don't say very often.

What annoying is when i do the folks I'm saying it to ignore me and just insist on paying anyway.

One of them insists on hiding the money in my cab while I get his bags out of the boot!

I am of course talking about friends and family.
The idiot who hides the money is my dad and probably the worst offender.
He actually tried to pay me for driving him home from the pub when it was me who took him there to watch the football in the first place!

When will they get in into there heads that when I offer them a lift I ain't touting for business.

Now don't get me wrong if one my mate rang a cab and where unlucky enough to get me, then yes i probably would charge them.
(mates rates)

But not when i offer to take them.
When i offer them a lift its because i want to give them a lift and help em out not for any other reason.

If you had mate who happened to be I don't know a plumber and he spotted a leaking tap and offered to fix it would you feel obliged to pay him?

Maybe its just me but it really does feel dirty and kinda wrong when they are throwing money at me.

PS: All other punters are welcome to throw as much money as they like.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week No.6


It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere.

So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes.

So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge.

I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer.

Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.

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"OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Monday, October 11, 2010

Ssshhh..



I hate working Sundays.

Worse than that i hate working Sunday nights because as well as missing a cosy night in with Mrs.belfasttaxi, some of the punters you tend to pick up on Sunday nights are well lets say "not normal".

But as my motor is up for Psv and it needs a little work done to it I was left with little choice but to suck it up and drag myself out to work.

As it turned out i had a pretty uneventful shift which was kinda nice even if I didn't get any fodder for the blog.

The worst i had to put up with was a paranoid girl shoving her hair in my face.
 (while i am driving)

She had been to a friends house for tea and was worried that her Husband/boyfriend/whatever would be able to smell the aftershave the fella who had been sitting beside her as he had smothered himself in it.

To be fair she did stink of aftershave but i told her she was fine just so i wouldn't have her noggin shoved in my face again.

It not as if she could have done anything about it at this stage!

No my real gripe about working last night was what happen when i got home.

Those of you who read my last post know i have of late had a bit of trouble sleeping.

Well last night i was falling down tired as i flunked down into bed at 6.30am and i dont even remember my poor little head hitting the pillow.

What I do remember is waking at 7.25am to what sounded like a small riot

The was dog barking, Mrsbelfasttaxi was shouting and Jr was screaming about not being able to find his homework.

I swore silently to myself and did my best not to cry!

We will see how they like it when I set the smoke alarm off some morning about 3 am.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Insomina....



Is it still Insomnia if you cant sleep during the day?

The past few weeks i have been having a awful time tring to get some sleep.

I will get in from work, put on some mind numbing TV just for the noise, count my takings for the night and maybe make some Tea and Toast.

I will by this stage be fighting to stay wake long enough to drag my flabby backside up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire.

Then it happens just as my head touches the pillow.

BANG

Wide a bloody frigging wake.

Im still tired just no longer sleepy so i spend countless hours staring at my bedroom walls.

Of course when i do decide to go downstairs later on to spend time with she who must be obeyed and Jr.

The second my ass hit the seat than i start doing my impression of a man with a broken neck and my beloved family are treated to a few hours of me snoring.

Really am at a lost as to what i should do, I don't want to take any kind of sleeping pill but if i don't get enough rest i cant work!!

I wonder if counting sheep really works?



1.. 2.. 3... 4.... 5.... 6... 7.. 8...9... 10.. 11...... 12....13..... 14.....15....


Saturday, October 09, 2010

Change...




How much change do people think a taxi driver carries?

Some people seem to think i have unlimited amounts of change!

The first 5 jobs i had last night all handed me a £20 note for a £3 journey.

You can imagine the mood this put me in having to run in to shops to buy crap i didn't want or need to get change.

Can you guess my reaction when some scruffy young scrote asked if i would take a £50 to pay for his fare home.

Yeah not good

I managed not to swear and resisted the urge to beat him to death with my satnav instead i lied through my teeth as to why i couldn't.

I mean who the hell carries £50s.

  I have only ever seen a couple so i wasn't sure if his was fake or not.

Still I did get to hold it for a little while.

It was nice so if anyone would like to send me a few I would be grateful

Anyhoo rant over time for bed.

Night.



Thursday, October 07, 2010

How to speak proper Belfast like.....



I have had quite a few folks in the cab lately from all parts of the world.

While they have loved the place and thought the locals where very friendly some have had a hard time with the Belfast accent and the local dialect.

So in the spirit of international cooperation and all that i have found a list of common Belfast /Northern Ireland words and phrases!

A
Ah - I or me, ie Ah don´t feel well
Aminal -common mispronounciation of Animal
Amptinat? -I most definitely am.
Arseh*le -calling someone a rectum
Aye -meaning ´yes´


B
Balleex -´bo**ocks´ Thats balleex - Used in context when disagreeing with someone
Bake -someones face
Bate -beat, I bate her up so ah did
Beef -male sexual organ ie ´Ah slipped her the beef lawst nite´
Beezer - Very good, Thats Beezer
Beg -wafer thin plastic vessel; good for carrying shopping :also ´oul´ beg´ when referring to an elderly female
Blurt -Slang for female genetalia
Boulin´ -messing about
Bout Ye -´Hello´
Buggered -broken


C
Cameracorder -grannies use of the word ´camcorder´
Cheeser -like Beezer, meaning ´very good´ or ´exellent´
Chicken -child slang for ´afraid´
Chinks -popular Chinese food Take Aways
Childer -children
Cracker -not something you put cheese on, means beezer
Creamed -tired


D
Dander -a walk, ie I´m goin fer a dander
Dawg -canine, dog
Digikil -common mis-prounciation of ´Digital´
Drawers -underwear
Dour -a door
Duncher -Cap


E
Earlee-er -before the present
Eejit -derived from ´Idiot´, means ´Idiot´
Eef Aaf - F*** Off


F
Faaler -father
Fillum -a movie or film
Fingy -someone whose name you can´t remember
Frig -polite word for ´F***´, also used: Flip
Flour a floor



G
Gat -slang, You´re a wee gat or get
Geg -fun, ´Ats a geg´
Getawaydafuck -go away now
Givuz -give me
Glass -Half-Pint
Goes -replaces the word ´Said´ ie And I goes: What? Are you slabberin´?´ And then she goes, ´Yip.´
Gutties -training shoes


H
Hardly -meaning ´Thats not true´ ie Hardly now. Hardly.
Heel -not to be confused with the back of your foot, means end of a loaf
Houl On -please wait


I


J
Jawbax -mouth
Job -activity usually carried out under the cover of night
Joken -joking

K
Kudn´t -couldn´t ie Ah kudn´t do that...


L
Lairdindeyit -please do start eating [or drinking]see also ´wiredintillit´
Leenantarsapees -Famous Italian landmark
Lingo -language


M
Magic -not tricks, but another word meaning great or good
Mawn -a man, male
Meat Wagon -RUC Landrovers
Melt -no actual meaning, used as: ´I´ll knock your melt in´
Milly -name given to teenage females. See also: Steek
Mucker -a friend or mate
Muller -Mother or ´Ma´


N
Nice One -that was good
Norman -bullying term for someone with no friends
Now Yer Sucken Deezel -that´s a good way of going about that


O
Offees -alchohol retailer
Oi -a yelp for someones attention ie Oi! You! C´mere!´
Oxters -Armpits


P
Prably -maybe, its likely
Passion -heavy rain in Ballymena
Peeler -a police officer
Piece -sandwhich
Pssskety -common misprounciation of ´Spaghetti´
Purdie -countryside slang for Potato


Q
Quim -slang for female genetalia


R
Ragin´ -angry, Ahm bloody ragin´ so ah am.
Ration -you´d be doing this if you were trying to get to somewhere in a hurry, in Ballymena
Rare -not to be confused with ´scarce´, means crap


S
Samitch -mispronounciation of ´Sandwhich´
Sebm -seven [7]
Shap -shop
Shar -a shower
Slabber -someone who makes bad comments about you behind your back or to your face
Spoon -someone with a low IQ
Steek -male with bad dress and hair sense


T
Ta -Thank You
Till -replaces the word ´to´ ie Goin till the shap´
Theee -the number three
Tube -see: Spoon


U
Undurstawnd -understand ie Do ye undurstawnd me?


V
Vaka -Vodka



W
Weaker -yet another word for ´brilliant´
Welt -male genitals
Wee -put in front of words such as ´drink´, ´dander´, and basically anything
Wick -not exactly brilliant
Wiredintillit -´Got wiredintillit earlee-er´
Windie -a window
Windielickurs -horrid term for the mentally disadvantaged
Windie Still -a window sill
Wooden One -not a clever person


X
X-Acktlee -exactly


Y
Yermaa -an insult said when nothing else can be thought of
Yeegittin? -Are you being served?
Yip -yes


Z

Zabra/Zedbra -Zebra

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Ok Irish league im sorry!

A few posts go i was complained about Irish league football.


Im sorry.

P.S.V. Licence to print money....... for the DVLNI.


It has come to the time year where my Taxi is due its annual PSV test.

This is the Taxi equivalent of the MOT test for cars in fact the only difference  is that in the PSV your car needs to be fitted  with a fire extinguisher and wire for a taxi sign.

So why does the PSV test cost £138.50 and the MOT only cost £ 30.50?

Maybe its just me but somethings not right!

Does it cost £108 to look at the fire extinguisher in my foot well and the top of my door frame to see if the wire for the top light is there?
I don't know but it sure feels like someones ripping me off!


Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week - no 5



The Queen visits a army hospital and visits ward A.

Inside is a Scots soldier lying on his front with a cage and a blanket over his bum.

The Queen turns to the Sergeant Major who is escorting her through the hospital and asks:
“Sergeant, what is this soldier in hospital for?”

"Ma'am he is suffering from a terrible case of piles."

"Oh dear" replies the Queen "And what’s the treatment for that?"

"Wire brush and Dettol three times a day".
Turning to the soldier she asks " And do you have any ambition left in life?"
"Aye Ma'am, I want tae beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve you my Queen and Country" he replies
"That's very commendable of you " she says and pins a medal of honour on his bum.

She moves onto the second patient and asks the Sergeant Major “What is this man in for?"
“I’ve no sympathy for this man, a self-inflicted wound, he has a venereal disease.”
"And what’s the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day, Ma’am".
"Oh how nasty... poor man's willy must be in tatters!"

Turning to the soldier she asks "If you had one wish, what would that be?"
" Ma'am, I want tae beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve you my Queen and Country" he replies
"That's very commendable of you " she says and pins a medal of honour on his chest.

She moves onto the last patient and asks him “What are you in hospital for?"

The soldier replies in a croaky voice "Tonsillitis"
The Queen, quite relieved asks "And what’s the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day ma'am "comes the croaky reply"
"Oh, but isn’t that awfully painful?" She gasps.
"Whatever it takes to beat this affliction and get back to serving My Queen And Country" He Says Proudly
"And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" she asks.
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"Aye," the man replies "I like to get the Wire brush and Dettol before those two other dirty bastards!!!"

Monday, October 04, 2010

Sir Norman Wisdom... RIP


Comic actor Sir Norman Wisdom has died aged 95.

The London-born comedian was known for his slapstick film roles in the 1950s and 1960s, famously for the character Norman Pitkin whose haplessness often frustrated boss Mr Grimsdale.

Wisdom was a cult icon in Albania, where he was the only Western actor whose films were allowed in the country during the dictatorship of Enver Hoxha.

Sir Norman had suffered a series of strokes causing a decline in his health over the past six months.

His family said he passed away at Abbotswood nursing home on the Isle of Man on Monday.

They said he had maintained a degree of independence but his condition declined rapidly over the past few days.

Sir Norman was renowned for a string of comic roles and Charlie Chaplin described him as his favourite clown.


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