Belfast Taxi

Funeral notice

2011-04-05T21:15:00.000+01:00

Just to let people know the funeral will be held on friday 5th April at 10.30am in Westbourne Presbyterian Church on the Newtownards Road, Belfast.

Everyone is more than welcome

RIP

2011-04-02T02:42:00.000+01:00

belfast taxi driver passed away this evening.
I'll miss you loads

Kept man...

2011-04-01T16:48:00.000+01:00

It seems i am to be a kept man in the short term at least.

My ankle shows no sign of healing in fact its getting worse if i am honest, i may have to give in and go to A+E and get it checked out.

So Mrs.belfasttaxi has stepped into the breach and is going back to work (bills need payed), something she is very nervious about but God love her she is doing it anyway.

I on the other hand am stuck on the sofa unable to move without much F-ing and jeffing and maybe a little squealing.

I have a hard tme relaxing when she is working and i am not.

I dont know how long it will be until i get back to work hopefully not to long.

New heads up display Sat Nav

2011-04-01T00:09:00.001+01:00

I have been toying with the idea of a new Satnav for the last few weeks, mine still works fine but i am a sucker for new technology.

If it flashes and goes beep im you man.

I am tempted to wait a little while as in about another six to twelve months garmin are bringing out a new heads up display model.

I so so want one, all i have to do is convince she who must be obeyed!

Sad taxi driver joke of the week no.24

2011-03-31T16:06:00.000+01:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added,

###

"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Ruby goes to the park!

2011-03-30T11:11:00.000+01:00

Ok she may of grown a wee bit since this photo

We have had our pup ruby about 8 months now and from time to time we take her to see her litter mate who are owned by my cousin.

I couldn't go because of my ankle playing up so she took a few videos for me.

This is ruby when she arrived at the park messing about in the woods waiting on the other pups arriving

Ruby had a bit of a run about and was her normal pain in the butt self

But then the real messers of the family turned up and reminded us just how good a dog ruby really is by jumping straight into the river the both of them.

Which made Mrs.belfasttaxi scream like a little girl on this video!

Finally they got them out of the river (mrs.belfasttaxi go a wet butt for her trouble)

but instead of going home in my taxi like they where ment to my cousion and had to walk.

While all we had to but up with was a tired puppy

Thunderstruck........

2011-03-29T15:13:00.000+01:00

As you may have read in the last post i fell on my ass much to the amusement of the punters getting into my car.

What i didn't tell you is that twisted my ankle in the fall, i didn't mention it because well it was nothing more than a wee niggle at the time which i assumed would sort itself out.

It did sort itself out by doubling in size and leaving me unable to put any weight on it!

Now i ain't looking sympathy for any of my dear readers cos well sh#t happens, OK so it happens to me a bit more than others but hey I'm a klutz what you gonna do!

But what would be nice is a little respect in my own house from my so called loving family namely Jr.

Due to the ankle i kinda have to hop everywhere which is bad enough when you weigh nearly 30 stone.

But its is made so much worse when you are followed about by a 10 year old little prat going

na na na na na na na na THUNDER,

na na na na na na na na THUNDER
every time my foot hit the floor, hes friggin dead if i ever manage to catch him.

Ac/Dc have a lot to answer for.

A little Trip

2011-03-28T15:05:00.000+01:00

Cayenne on Great Victoria st

Friday night was turning out to be normal half hearted slog its been for the last month or so now and if i am honest i was staring to come up with an excuse that Mrs.belfasttaxi would believe for calling it a night.

I wasnt having much luck the trouble with having a spouse in the same trade as yourself is they know when your spoofing.

Just as i was about to get out and stretch my legs i got a call to Cayenne to pick up table 50 going to Bangor.

Nice little run i was quite chuffed, so off a sped

(parking outside Cayenne can be difficult)

I managed to get parked easily right outside the door which was great as my leg still gives me some hassle and was badly swollen!

Anyhoo i go in and ask the lovely waitress for my table and wait by the front door.

(staff in Cayenne are always lovely and great to deal with)

I'm told they are on there way so i go to head back to the car, trouble is my knee has just locked up.

So i am for the want of a better description gimpping (picture Igor form Frankenstein movies) back to the car trying to look as normal as possible when my fare, two couples come out of the building and call to me checking i was for them.

I turned round smiled at them and assured them i was.

I then spun back round missed the curb and with all the grace of a hippo high diving bellyfloped onto the road

I am pretty sure i looked like a beached manatee laying in the road.

I know what you think my fare ran to my aid being the kind well rounded people of the world that they where!

Did they my arse, they near wet themselves laughing.

Bastards

Still revenge was mine sort of!

I went to Bangor the long way.

New Exercise Routine

2011-03-24T07:15:00.000Z

I have finally given in and decided to start an exercise routine as my doctor has been asking me to do.

Rather than slogging off to the gym after a hard days driving, i though things would work out better with a solid piece of home exercise equipment.

Thankfully i found a piece of kit that suits me and was cheap to buy.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

A break at last

2011-03-23T16:04:00.000Z

I dread the budget when it comes round every year mostly due to them increasing fuel duty.

Thankfully the Chancellor has stopped the automatic rise in duty that was due next week (inflation plus 1 penny on a litre = 6 pence this time round) that would have seen the price for a gallon of diesel go up to £5.90 in fact he even dropped duty by a penny a litre.

At the minute 60 odd percent of the cost of a gallon of diesel is tax meaning that roughly £3.54 out of £5.90 is tax.

To think that when i started taxi driving a gallon of fuel was about £2.80 and that was only 6 -7 years ago.

The new measure won't provide much relief but if it stops or even delays them worsening even a little they are most welcome.

Taxi drivers sad joke of the week no 23

2011-03-23T06:26:00.001Z

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.

Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred pounds per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred quid a visit?"

"A taxi driver cured me for ten quid."

"Is that so!"

"How?"
#

####

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Lent Fail..........IBA's i needed to know!

2011-03-21T07:41:00.000Z

OK so the wife's little plan for us to suffer together didn't quite work out, i couldn't do without knowing who won the Irish Blog Awards.

Or in her words" I am weak" after 12 tears of marriage you would have though she might have known this, its probably the reason i give in to her so much!

Anyhoo i would like to congratulate all those who won on Saturday night with special congrats going to the Legend that is Manuel of the Well done fillet who after many year of being robbed finally won best humour, any one who doesn't read the well done fillet seriously check it out.

I would also like to give a wee mention to

Clive and his owner Murry for Assistance Dog for Autism as best specialist blog, which is a great wee read.

Also to Nessa's Family Kitchen for best new blog.

I was lucky enough to help judge (under my proper name) these categories and am chuffed they both won.

Lent update

2011-03-09T06:02:00.000Z

Ok it has been decided that for lent i wont be giving up me beloved tayto cheese and onion.

Instead i will be giving up the internet, my wife pointed out that i spend at least a couple of hours a day online.

With the number of blogs i read amongst other things like facebook and twitter what she says is probably true.

So for the next 40 days or so i am outta hear and in a sad way i am kinda of looking forward to the challenge.

The only allowance is that i will still have my email as that is sent to my phone anyway so if anyone wants me still feel free to drop me a line.

Lent.

2011-03-08T16:48:00.000Z

Have you ever given up anything for lent.

I haven't and to be honest i was happy not bothering, however she who must be obeyed is going to.

Therefore in Belfasttaxi tradition i am going to suffer as well.

The only question is what to give up some of the things i would like to give up are

driving,

shaving,

having to look after jr when the footballs on,

taking Ruby out for a pee,

taking Ruby out for a not a pee

and the doing the dishes.

Of course there is more chance of a monkey crawling out of my ass than me getting away with any of the above.

No as a fat man who needs to lose a few stone i am pretty sure it will be some kind of foodstuff.

I just hope its not my beloved Tayto cheesy onions

The Worst Bit........

2011-03-07T15:39:00.000Z

Do you want to know the worst part of working night shift?

Its just after i get out of my car for the first time in 12 hours.

Why?

Well to answer you simply all the muscles in my legs and back have seized and they are not best chuffed at being asked to carry hulking mass into the house never mind up the stairs.

Or to put it another way i hate walking like a zombie with a case of the dribbly shits who didn't make it to the loo in time!

I am only thankful that in the wee small hours there is no one about to laugh at me.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.22

2011-03-06T09:58:00.000Z

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had a little trouble with kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God

(wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants).

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle!

####

Take two and keep away from children

How to make a woman happy!........ Points Guide

2011-03-04T07:51:00.000Z

In the world of relationships, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way it is.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

She sends you out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)

It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy (-2)

Named Tiffany (-4)

Tiffany is a model (-6)

Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not Pizza Hut (+1)

Okay, it is a Pizza Hut (-20)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-30)

It's a Pizza Hut, it's all-you-can-eat night, and you take a drink so she has to drive you home (-100)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a mate (-5)

And the mate is happily married (-4)

Or single (-7)

And he drives a porsche (-10)

With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called DeathCop3 (-3)

Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"

You tell the truth (-5)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "No?" while trying not to laugh (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

Dummys...................

2011-03-04T00:07:00.000Z

Belfast City Airport Anything to Screw Another Few Quid Out of You

2011-03-02T03:40:00.001Z

Roads Paved with Gold

Yesterday Belfast City Airport decided to impose more charges on its customers using its drop off and pick up zone,

From Tuesday 1st March 2011, using traffic management as an excuse the airport declared the 10 minute free period for the pick up and drop off zone may only be used once.

After which GBBCA will operate a ‘No return within 30 minutes policy so that the sneaky wee shites who leave the carpark and re-enter after 10 minutes instead of giving us money will have to pay when the person they are waiting to pick up is late on one of our flights.’
(this would included lots and lots of taxis)

If you return to the Pick Up & Drop Off Zone within 30 minutes of your previous visit even if you are a taxi bringing different customers, you will automatically be charged a minimum of £2.00 upon exit.

This should make us lots and lots of lovely cash because taxis in the mornings sometimes drop here several times and hour.

New style Traffic Lights

2011-03-01T03:13:00.000Z

What an awful weekend....

2011-02-28T11:32:00.000Z

This cat knows how i feel

Readers i don't know where to begin, it has been an truly awful weekend.

1. I have been under the weather all week.(think i may be a little depressed)

2. I fell down the stairs

3. It was really quiet with little work about, I had hoped with folks getting payed at the end of the month it would have been busy.

4.Slipped on mutts chew toy, stubbed toe while landing ass cheek first on her bone

4. Worst of all Arsenal lost the cup final.

5.Had to put up with texts,emails,tweets and facebook messages telling me Arsenal lost the stupid friggin cup

6.Fell asleep and missed Top Gear.

7. Cant quite explain how but fell up the stairs (hurt wrist on top landing)

All in all bloody glad its over.

Cup Final.......Mon the Gooners

2011-02-27T13:01:00.000Z

I finished early last night just to be sure i would be up in time for to days cup final.

The mighty and glorious Arsenal are playing some poor bunch of reprobate Brummies.

I shall enjoy watching the carnage before Arsenal lift the cup.

My only complaint is that the Ireland Six Nations rugby match is on at the same time bad planning by the TV people if you ask me.

How funny can ripping paper be?

2011-02-26T10:43:00.000Z

Well its near the end of another slow and some what stressful week.

On top of that its kind of been a boring one as well with very little to pass on to your good selves.

Still there is always Saturday night.

Anyhow i was sent this video and it cheered me up and smile a little.

If you don't smile by the end of this video your dead inside.

Darth Vader V Hitler Rap Battle....

2011-02-25T06:17:00.000Z

Over the last few days i have discovered the wonderful time wasting ways of Stumbleupon.

Well on one of my late night stumbles i came across this video that got me a punch in the ribs and told to shut up from the misses for giggling like a fire year old

There is a little bit of swearing so make sure there's no kid's about .

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.21

2011-02-23T14:19:00.001Z

John gets a distressed phone call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.

None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over."

Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says,

####

###

"For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."

Ladies Choice

2011-02-22T12:14:00.000Z

Last night Jr was staying at his Grandads which left me and the misses with the rarest of occasions a free night!

Sp it was decided fairly early on that instead of our normal trip to the cinema that we would go out for a meal.

All well and good so far, but although she had decided that we should go for a meal Mrs.belfasttaxi had not got a clue as to where we should go.

I tried to suggest a few places from Ginger in hope St to the Point out in Ballyhackamore.

None of which where as she put it what she fancied!

"I know the prefect place" she informed me after coming in form leaving the wee man round.

"Where" i asked.

"You will see when we get there" i was told.

So I left it at that as my wife has pretty good taste.

So where did we end up, huh?

Feckin Pizza Hut

Apparently she wanted somewhere she could just relax and chill out.

Words fail me, next time i am friggin choosing.

Backseat Bickering

2011-02-20T10:47:00.000Z

Is there anything worse than being around a couple arguing?

Well obviously there is! Cancer,war, maybe paper cuts?

I picked up a couple in the Cathedral quarter who where heading out to a hotel in the outskirts of the city.

He was obnoxious ignorant little git, she didn't look to happy either, she threw herself down on the seat and slammed the door as she got in .

They exchanged snide remarks at just above a wisper getting louder as they got more and more animated.

She was furious that he had made her leave whatever nightclub they where at early.

He complained that he didn't want to have to fight for a cab once everyone else left the club.

He wouldn't of had to as i have seen zombie moves with more life in them than town last night!

Then he made his big mistake by appealing to reason, after all the clubs closed in five minutes!

The next few sentences that came from his lady friends potty mouth where unrepeatable,

they even contained some four letter words i haven't heard before!

Then he committed the worst sin of all.

He tried to bring me into it! "Big fella would you behave like a grumpy spoilt brat because you left a club a few minutes early"?

Hell no I wasn't falling for that one not again, the friggin cheek of trying to drop me in it.

"No mate i would be annoyed because the club you where at doesn't shut until 3am" I replied

I was shot a dirty look but he sat in silence the rest of the way while his partner mumbled words like tosser and twat in his general direction.

Truned out he was a twat making her pay for the cab as he had bought her a drink.

Classy bloke huh!

Thief......

2011-02-19T07:48:00.000Z

Sometimes i think the phone monkeys save the arseholes just for me.

Last job tonight was picking up in Martinez Ave and was meant to be going to the Saintfield Rd.

Simple enough you would think ,yeah well so did i!

I arrived at * Martinez Ave and put through callback then sat back to wait on my punter coming out.

After nearly 10 minutes i was just about to put the call down as a no-job when a skinny fella in his 30s ran out to the car.

"He will be out in a minute mate he's just saying goodbye to everyone" he said.

So i waited some more, about 5 minutes later he finally dragged arse out to the cab.

When asked where he wanted to go he mumbled "jusst u heed for Carrydufff alright".

OK he didn't sound the happiest and all 6'6" of him slouched like a moody teenager across the back seat.

We had made it about half way the Carryduff when he asked me to pull over.

He wanted to make a phone call and might need to go back into town.

It became quickly clear that we would be heading back,

Of course he didn't know where he wanted to go to because although who ever was on the phone with him was inviting him to a party, but he couldn't get the address out of them!

Finally after i was handed the phone i worked out i was to take him to Greystown Ave.

It took about 8 -10 minutes to drive from where we where to Greystown Ave and the incredible sulk was starting to get narky criticizing anything and everything, passing snide remarks.

So we arrive and of course he doesn't know what number he is going to and cant get through to anyone on the phone to fined out.

Not that the gobshite was trying to bloody hard.

Another taxi turned up and he spotted his mates getting out of it.

"Right mate cheers" he said as he got out!

"Oi hold on you forgetting something"?

"Like what"

"Like paying for one"

"I already paid you so i did" he mumbled and waddled off.

Because of the way I was parked by the time I managed to get out of the car he disappeared into his mates house.

I knew it was one of three houses but i could hardly rap the doors of all three waking up two houses who where nothing to do with it.

There was no point calling the old bill ether unless I could tell them where he was.

So the arsehole got away, he done me on the guts of £20 and all I could do was let the depot know so that we don't pick up from that address again.

I am sick to death of this kinda crap its happening more and more now.

(more times in the last year than in the last six years put together)

Things are hard enough out there at the moment to make a crust without assholes like him not paying.

So I future I wont be letting twats like this away with it.

No in future I will be taking there photo.

If they don't pay a nice big posters will be made with there pictures on them and above the photo in big block capitals will be printed THIEF.

It shouldn't take long to post a few around which ever area I have picked them up or dropped them at.

If they want to steal from me then they can put up with their friends and neighbours knowing what they have done.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.20

2011-02-18T07:52:00.001Z

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. "

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

###

"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Haircut Major Fail...

2011-02-16T09:33:00.001Z

For about the last 10 - 12 years i have kept my head shaved, I have done this for a number of reasons.

Its much easier to look after for a start and I am naturally going to end up bald anyhow.

(damn genetics)

Well for the first time in over a decade I let my hair regrow, I also grew a full beard which if i am quite honest I am kinda attached to even if it is a different colour to the rest of my hair.

I suppose i kinda looked like a very fat version of Shaggy from Scooby doo only with a better beard.

Not pretty but you get the idea.

Well last night I decided that i had to cut my hair again, as much as i liked having hair agian it looked awful.

You see my hair wont do the decent thing and just recede towards the back of my head.

Oh no my hair has receded but left me with two small island of hair at the front of my head so that if i don't brush if forward it looks like I have bloody horns!

So I get out the shears for my dear beloved to shave my head.

(something she has been looking forward too, she hates when I let my hair grow).

No sooner than she had started cutting my hair than i heard a funny clunking sound from the shears followed by them trying to pull my hair out by the bloody roots.

Needless to say the shears had given up the ghost leaving me like this.

Not frigging funny

But thats not the worst of it i had to leave the house like this!!

The only person i could find who had a set of shears was my dad and he couldn't come to me so i have to drive to his with my noggin as above, in my panic i couldn't find my woolly hat.

I have never been so scared of being stopped by the police.

Thankfully i got there without being recognized and finished my return to being a slap head.

But i keep the beard just to annoy Mrs.belfasttaxi,

I now look like a white version of Taaj from come fly with me!

Except better looking of course!

Back Seat Drivers

2011-02-14T15:20:00.000Z

If I have one pet hate its back seat drivers.

Oh OK i hate many pet hates but back seat drivers are one of my pet pet hates if there is such a thing.

Take Mrs keen for example lovely old dear, i have been picking her up at least twice a week ever since i started taxiing almost 7 years ago!

To this day gives me turn by turn directions, which doesn't sound so bad until you know that the only time she uses taxis is to take her to work and back!

I could forgive her if she was doting a little (she is well into her seventies) but she is as sharp as a tack!

Back seat driving seems to be a real habit here in Belfast at least a couple of fare a night will shout out directions even after i assure them i know where there destination is.

My personal fave is the prats who shout out to take the next corner despite the fact they already seen me start to indicate a good ten seconds earlier.

I mean what the hell do they think the flashy light on the side of the car is for?

I guess what brought this to a head was a job i picked up a few nights back from the corner of High Street just past the Ulster Sports Club.

They where a group of three ladies all about 50ish, one of which was a lady called Sarah who i know.

They where all heading back to Sarah's house.

After the first few turns Sarah started with the directions.

"Sarah why are you giving me directions" I asked.

"So you know where to take me" she replied

"But I know where you live you dozy bint, because it the house next to mine!!"

Sake.

Cruel but funny!

2011-02-13T10:51:00.000Z

I have lots of stuff to tell you folks, but I have been up nearly 26 hours now and anything i try to type is coming out like I am a monkey bashing a keyboard with his eyes shut!

So I'm going to save my yarns for later and pootle of to bed.

Any car drivers out there this should cheer you up is kinda cruel but hey what ya gonna do!

Valentines.......

2011-02-12T10:55:00.000Z

Valentines Day,

I am against it on the whole

The sickly sweet lovey dovey cards

The massive boxes of chocolates that it would take an army a month to eat.

The standard big cuddle toy.

The hyper inflated prices for flowers.

The hyper hyper inflated prices of roses.

The supposedly intimate meal for two in restaurants that will be packed to the gills.

It just all seems so false and shallow don't you think?

So what will i be doing for valentines this year i hear you ask?

Well I will be getting Mrs.Belfasttaxi a card and a box of chocolates hell I may even get her some flowers, if I can afford it I may even get bloody roses!

Why?

Because it makes her happy and in the end that's what matters i suppose.

Cab Now Pay Later Launched!

2011-02-09T11:59:00.000Z

Queen's Students' Union, in association with FonaCAB has launched Cab Now Pay Later.

Aimed at getting students home safely, the scheme works when a student calls for a FonaCAB taxi, quotes their student number and asks to use Cab Now Pay Later.

The student then 'pays' for the journey by handing over their student card.

The card is then returned to the Students' Union the next day and can be collected by the student who then pays the amount owing.

VP Welfare Adam McGibbon is behind the introduction of the scheme and is delighted to be able to bring it to the Students' Union.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.19

2011-02-09T07:10:00.000Z

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,

a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a yank,

an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard,

a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German,

a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli,

a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czechoslovakian,

and a Swiss man walk into a pub...

The landlord says

#

###

##

#

"Sorry I can't let you in without a Thai."

Frightening Diseases of the Mind

2011-02-08T19:17:00.000Z

My Name is Belfast Cabby and im an Addict

2011-02-07T15:34:00.000Z

Hi.

My name is Belfast cabby and I'm an addict.

I first became an addict a few years ago.

Like most people i started using for fun, telling my self i could stop any time i wanted.

But i found myself using more frequently.

Not only more often but also taking bigger fixes just trying to get the same rush i got the first time i used.

Eventually my days where spent obsessing and longing for the night time when I could go home and feed my habit.

In the end i had to break free my life was no longer my own.

So i went cold turkey, ignoring messages from friends who had the same weakness as myself.

In the end i cleaned myself up and got my life back on track.

Imagine my horror when i found my son had picked up the same addiction.

I did what every good father would do and tried to help him, but in the end i just pulled myself back into the mire.

I have ended up back where i started.

My name is Belfast Cabby and I'm addicted to FARMVILLE again!!

My wonderful wee farm with its paddy fields and cows and stuff!

Thats not a Toyota.......

2011-02-07T07:22:00.000Z

Miss Jodee Berry has sued former employers Hooters for not giving her a prize she won for selling the most beer!

She was told the prize was a Toyota!

What she got was a Toy Yoda!

Mrs.belfasttaxi

Damp Feet.....

2011-02-06T10:08:00.000Z

Thick headed, Unresponsive, Half a bloody sleep.

All of the above would have been pretty good description of how i spent most if not all of yesterday.

To a certain degree its how i spent most Saturdays.

(not by choice obviously)

It seems that i never get enough sleep after finishing Fridays night shift.

I for one would love to know why this is because i don't work much later than any other night, with money being as tight as it is for folks at the moment early nights have went the way of the Dodo.

Maybe I'm still a little kid inside and subconsciously excited at the weekend arriving!

Who knows?

The trouble comes though when i don't get enough sleep after Saturdays night shift.

I got to bed just before 6am this morning as i type this its 9:30am and i have been awake about an hour and fifteen minutes.

I will let you do the maths because my head is so far up my backside at the minute if you asked me what 1+1 = i would probably answer “yes butter and marmalade please!”.

The reason for so little sleep this morning though was a little different.

Its not often that i wake up with damp feet and the feel of something ticklish running over the soles of my feet!

It took a few seconds for the grogginess and confusion to clear and register what was going on.

Ruby was at my toe’s nibbling and licking my feet!

Good lord i though i would spew when she put her tongue between my toes.

So she was toldr off and sent back downstairs while i went to wash and dry my feet.

Needless to say i now have nice shiney clean feet but am also friggin wide awake!!

There's no chance of me getting back over now still at least there's a few decent football matches on later.

Ps: In case you where wondering who Ruby is this is her.

Darth Vader in training

2011-02-06T06:48:00.000Z

This kiddy has watched to way to much Star Wars!!

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.18

2011-02-02T05:49:00.000Z

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle.

He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But there is a catch."

"What catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said,

####

###

"Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

The irish blog awards....

2011-02-01T14:54:00.000Z

I have read on a few of the blogs i read from day to day that the Irish blog awards are now accepting nominations!!

There are some great blogs out there like

Food Belfast local restaurant reviews and food matters

The funny as hell Well done fillet written by Maunel t waiter about the goings on in his restaurant.

Grannymar has quickly become a daily read as has the Lord of Belmont - Tim

I know my days are brighten up by reading the delightful White Rabbit NI.

Sometimes its nice to see your city with a fresh set of eyes Molly an American in Belfast for a years study has been blogging about her experiences of Belfast, Ireland and Europe in general.

So who ever you feel like voting al you have to do is click on the link and fill out the relevant part of the form!

Click to vote

You don’t have to be Irish or be living in Ireland to vote you just need to read an Irish blog.

Dirty F##king Bastard.......

2011-02-01T02:32:00.000Z

I am not quite sure how to start this post to the blog.

I find it hard to think straight when I'm angry, like most people I suppose.

For the first time since Christmas we had been even kinda busy and i was in good form for a change.

All my jobs so far had been the usual folks heading out to the cinema or the pub.

For some reason most of my work was coming from the east of the city so when i didn't get a fare in the centre of town i decided to head back over east.

I was just passing Central station when my datahead beep to let me know that i had been given a job, it was picking up at one of the Lagan front apartment buildings only a few hundred yards down the road.

I was chuffed after all the closer the work the less i spend on fuel getting there!

When i arrived i didn't need to use call back as my punter was waiting outside.

He was a foreign fella although i am not quite sure where he was from, it i had to guess i would say Spain or Portugal but i could well be wrong as i am hopeless at that kind of thing.

He was well dressed and while he was chatty he spoke quite softly.

He was going to the Kermlin which is a relatively frequent run.
They are probably the no1 gay club in Belfast although many folks i have taken or picked up there in the past have complained that is getting to straight!

Most of the journey he spent asking about which pubs and clubs where open late and other things tourists tend to ask.

Then the questions turned a little more personal.

Where was i from? Like all taxi drivers in Belfast i was as vague as possible when answering this one.

Was i married? Yes for the last 11 years.

So your not gay? No sorry afraid not.

Now its the last two questions he didn't seem to pay any attention too, more so it seems the last one about me not being gay!!

No sooner than he finished asking me questions than he started putting his hand on my thigh.

He was told politely to remove it.

He tried to laugh it off as a joke, one didn't find that funny!

After about another minute or so the asshole had put his hand back on my leg, rather than asking him to move it this time i grabbed this wrist.

Which was just as well because his hand was pushing as hard as it could to try to grab my crotch!

Finally i just exploded, Slammed on the brakes and Mr touchy feely bastard was told to get the hell out of the car.

I have never been so happy to get rid of a punter out of my car.

Although the more i though of what he tried to do the angrier I became, I did conceder phoning the cops but that would have meant keeping the perv there until they turned up.

I feel sorry for which ever poor fella he fixed on in the Kremlin assuming he made it there!

Ps: I have nothing against any of the gay community here in Belfast, they provide me with a lot of work and normally never cause any trouble.

Auto Correct = laffs

2011-01-30T10:24:00.000Z

Any time i need cheering up this wee website works wonders,

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

Simply put its photos of messages sent usually from Iphones or other smart phones where the auto-correct software has changes the message!!

Many laughs ensue!!

Well they do if your a big kid like me!

Dalek's finally defeated......

2011-01-27T20:00:00.000Z

Those of you who watch Dr Who will know that no matter how many time the Doctor defeats the Daleks they just keep on coming back!

Not anymore they won't.

You could hear a pin drop........

2011-01-24T15:06:00.000Z

Why wont anyone talk to me?

I am pretty sure I don't smell any worse normal!

OK I have let my hair and beard grow to the point where I look like a very chubby Animal from the Muppet's but surely it cant be that?

After all they spent most of the journey looking at the back of my head!

I have even tried the the stock questions that all cabby's use to start a conversation.

Where you waiting long?

Brrr its cold out there! isn't it?

Etc, Etc, Etc.

One word answers was all i was getting

I would have had better chance of getting a tin of striped paint than a decent conversation

All weekend i think only 3 or 4 people bothered to chat while i drove them home, really quite boring!

Must have been the most boring weekend i have ever work.

No scandal or gossip at all.

I don't know what has everyone so sullen and depressed all of a sudden.

Still maybe they will cheer up soon after all its not long till payday!

My Blackberry Is Not Working

2011-01-23T10:31:00.000Z

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.17

2011-01-23T08:55:00.000Z

Murphy had been feeling ill for a long time.

His doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for
you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured.

I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news,
but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things
don't go so well.

In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live.

Let's head for
the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber.

There were some laughs and more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion,

"Dad I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

###

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother."

Late Night Food

2011-01-20T11:45:00.000Z

Where can i get something to eat?

Pretty normal question for any taxi driver, but one that i dread when its asked anytime after 1 am.

Belfast like most town’s and city's has the usual assortment of Chinese, burger and kebab joints open catering to the multitudes getting kicked out of the pubs and clubs.

I suppose my problem is in recommending any of them is simply i haven't tried any of them.

But can you blame me i have picked up from most of these joints and maybe because I'm sober the smell of some the crap they pass off as food nearly has me ready to boak!

There used to be one place not to far from Benedict's a small kebab shop who’s kebabs smelled of that iron like smell you get of blood smothered in garlic.

Lovely!

But at least they where better that a certain chip/burger/pizza/kebab shop on the Lisburn rd who i witnessed use their chip scoop as a fly swat, then go back to using it without cleaning it.

Eeeeaahh, i shiver just thinking of it again.

That said i have in my misspent youth rolled out of many a pub at closing time unable to think any further than the local Chinese or chippy

Hell from time to time i even forced down a Kebab.

(Spinks on Stranmillis Rd yum yum)

There is one place that mystifies me as to why its so busy.

Subway!

I mean what the hell are people thinking?

I have never once fell out of a pub and thought to myself you know what i could kill for a Sandwich!

Burgers,curries,chips,kebabs hell anything that's been fried or hot and spicy.

But a chicken salad bap with cheese no mayo and extra jalapeños!

I'm sorry i don't care what you say its just wrong!

I think someone needs a reality check............

2011-01-19T08:33:00.001Z

I was listening to BBC Radio 5s Up all night program last night.

They had a feature on this whacked out American dude who obviously the Kick-ass movie just a bit too seriously,

His name is Phoenix Jones and he is the leader of the Rain city super hero movement whos members include

Buster Doe,Red Dragon,Green Reaper,Thorn ,Gemini,No Name,Catastrophe,Thunder88 and Penelope.

Oh yeah the reason he was on the radio was that he tried to stop an assault and ended up near getting shot and managing to get a broken nose!

Part of me cant help wonder what the reaction of the people of Belfast would be if anyone tried this.

Jr hits double figures

2011-01-17T15:09:00.000Z

Me and Jr at the Giants causeway a few years ago

My little boy turned ten last weekend and im not quite sure how the hell it happened.

Have the last ten years really when so quickly?

It seems that it has and i have not even came close to doing all the things i wanted to do with him by now.

I know every parent claims their kids grow up too quickly but that is exactly how it feels.

It seems like overnight i have went from having this tiny little tot who was always pleased to see me to a cheeky wee git (but lovable) who is almost as sarcastic as this mother.

Even though i have always been there, it feels like I missed huge parts of him growing up.

I don't know if his 20th birthday will feel like it has came around as quickly this one, but i plan to pack in as much fun with him as I possibly can in the next ten years.

Duck, Duck,Goose..................

2011-01-17T14:29:00.000Z

I seen this trick on Penn and Tellers: Fool us

I have had to wait a few weeks for it to appear on you-tube so i can share it with you all!

The ending is worth the wait.

A little bit of perspective.......

2011-01-16T19:32:00.000Z

Hey folk's

I have finally managed to get out of the cab.

January means long shifts in the taxi game unfortunately.

Everyone ends up putting in more hours than normal to try to make up for the lack of trade.

Its the same every January, yet every year I manage to forget how slow trade gets.

Regular punters struggle to pay off their credit cards instead of going out I suppose!

Still as much as i whinge about working long hours their is always some poor bugger worse off.

Last night i picked up a homeless man who had been moved on by the police on Botanic Ave,

I guess he was in his mid twenty's, he had been drinking but wasn't drunk and although scruffy looking was quite clean and very pleasant to talk to.

He was only going about half a mile but we chatted on the way

he had end up living on the streets when his mums new boyfriend had moved in!

I didn't push him for details but it was clear he had been homeless for a while.

I felt so sorry for him but at the same time quite helpless to do anything to really help!

When i was a teen i ran away from home and lived on the streets for a few weeks, it was probably the hardest few weeks of my life.

I was cold ,wet,scared and hungry most if not all the time.

I can only imagine that anyone else living that way feels the same!

Needless to say i didn't charge him for the ride although i will be making a point of looking out for him around the city centre.

I just kinda wish i could have helped more.

Don't drink and drive here's why.....

2011-01-16T08:54:00.000Z

If you ever need a reason for not drinking and driving please scoot over to

A Night in the Life of A Fredericton Cabby

Please folks

Don't drink and drive

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.16

2011-01-13T06:39:00.000Z

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they're captured
by the Ruskies.

Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.

The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.

Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered.

So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him.

"Walk up the beam of light and you can go free English!"

"FUCK OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I'M NOT JESUS! I
CAN'T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!"

The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him.

"Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

"OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!"

So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him.

"Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

###

"YA CAN'T FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS! YOU'LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I'M HALF
WAY UP!"

Better put your trainers on then Carolyn........................

2011-01-10T15:53:00.000Z

Trapped

2011-01-09T10:18:00.000Z

Saturday night was a bit of a slog this week, I fact if i am honest just about every night was I bit of a slog.

The pubs and clubs where fairly empty by there normal standards and for us poor old taxi drivers punters where sparse.

That said some of the restaurants seemed to defy the post Christmas/new years gloom looking quite busy!

The punters who where out and about where more the crowd I would expect on a Sunday night.

Nutters and eejits

I was having one of those nights where every job was a hassle, there was a little something to annoy me every job I did.

Little things from customers mumbling when telling me their address to having to climb out of my nice cosy car to rap my customers door, which any other night wouldn't have fizzed on me in the slightest.

(it is part of the job after all)

But of course the driveway i had to walk up was covered in black ice.

It was about 3:30am when i got the first job that was going any distance.

It was 3 girls going to Finaghy, Hillsborough ant then to the Maze.

It was a pretty uneventful run although I did skid a few times on the black ice in Belfast but i was only going a few Mph and I doubt any of my passengers noticed.

After dropping off the last of the girls i started to make my way back to civilization.

Now the number of time i have been to The Maze i can count on one hand but over the last year or so there has been a lot of developments, new estates and the like.

It was into one of these i made a wrong turn!

I had turn into a small cul-de-sac no big deal I thought, so i turned the sat-nav on and got myself turned around.

When I tried to drive back out I found I had a slight problem.

My wheels where turning well at least the front ones where but I wasn't moving.

Having year of motoring knowledge to call upon i did what most folks would have done.

I swore loudly and pressed the accelerator harder none of which helped at all.

Instead of going forwards the cab moved sidewards and backwards

I was at least twenty miles from Belfast in the backside of nowhere at 4am and unable to move and oh yeah i am pretty sure i am starting to wake the locals!!

I was nearly ready to cry.

I had no idea what to do.

After half an hour

I even thought of calling myself a cab to come take me home and abandoning the cab until the next day!

Except I didn't know the name of the estate I was stuck in!!

Then it came to me in a flash.

Top gear.

On Top gear when Jeremy Clarkson was on a trip to Iceland they lowered the tyre pressure for better grip on ice and snow.

I had tried everything else so figured what the hell it cant hurt.

So i let out about half the air in my front tyres and climbed back in to the cab.

I tried to move of slowly and even though my wheels still spun like crazy i was moving slowly forward at last.

It took another 2 minutes of spinning wheels, over revving engine and slipping tyres but i finally got free.

I knew all those years of watching top gear would pay off eventually.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

2011-01-07T08:01:00.000Z

Check out Maneggs its one of the funniest cartoon blogs i have ever seen.

Enjoy more tasty Maneggs at maneggs.com

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.15

2011-01-05T08:35:00.000Z

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you!', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the Priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept.

When the taxi driver drove,

###

everyone prayed.

African Women.............

2011-01-03T08:16:00.000Z

Mine where not nice smiley ladies like this one

Oh well another year is over and i cant say i am sad to see it go.

Last year was kind of rough for myself and the family for all sorts of reasons but God willing this one will be if nothing else a bit more fun!!

Anyway i am going to start the year by sounding racist but hopefully i wont make everyone hate me!

(More than they already do)

First of all lets get the racist part out of the road.

I don't care if you black,white,yellow even if your bright orange because of to much fake tan.

I couldn't give rats ass where you are from, what religion you belong to, nor do I care what you choose to wear from a three piece suit to a sari.

What i do care about is a how you behave and that show a little respect!!

Last night was the last straw.

I new the second I seen her she and her friend would be a pain in the arse.

They came out of the house 2 down from the house they ordered the cab for waddling and both wearing looks that i can only describe as a sneer.

They where African women.

I don't know where in Africa they where from if I had to guess I would say Nigeria but to be fair with my uselessness with accents i would probably be wrong!

I know they where African thought as they wore brightly coloured African style clothes which although impressive not exactly practical for cold wet evenings in Belfast!

They slumped down on the rear set of the cab and barked out the name of the street they wanted to go to not wanting to waste any small talk with me.

They where heading to the far side of town.

The streets where quite empty so i made good time as they sat behind me twittering away in some other language which if i am honest annoyed me.

But only because i am a nosey bugger.

I thought about learning Chinese just so i could know what they where saying, even if most of the time they are only talking about what to have for dinner!

The journey these ladies where taking costs about £10 give or take a little for traffic but they where going to refuse to pay it.

It was all to expected when we where just about walking distance from there destination that one of them announced that they would not be paying the price on the meter.

They had decided that for my services that they would pay £3 only because that was a fair price for such a journey!

£3 for a 5 - 6 mile journey.

Like i said i knew this was going to happen it happens every time I pick up similarly dressed women and i do mean literally every time.

Now most just tried to get a pound or two for the fare nothing like the £7 these two old biddies where trying for.

They didn't look very please when I laughed, they looked even less pleased when they where told if they didn't want to pay the proper fare I would leave them at the side of the road.

Apparently even though they where trying to stiff me it was job to take them where they wanted to go.

So much bickering later we arrive at there address.

Where after a short argument they jump out and throw a fiver at me and scurried of into them home.

My dilemma dear reader is in future do I lift these folks I hate to turn down any fare based on what they look like,

but am sick of getting stiffed over the fare at the end of the day i am trying to make a living.

They pull this scam every time with these folks not most of the time or some of the time but every single time!

What to i do?

Happy new year

2011-01-01T08:06:00.000Z

New Years Eve....

2010-12-31T06:54:00.000Z

Enjoy New years eve, celebrate what ever way you like.

But remember tonight is one of the busiest for taxi drivers and the crowds can be absolute bedlam so think about how you will get home tonight!!

Stay at a friends, call a cab, have a designated driver, walk, hell send me an email if your really stuck, whatever...Just

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE

Any empty bottles?

2010-12-29T14:44:00.000Z

So i had to queue for water in a country that only 2 days ago was 2 feet deep in bloody snow.

(Well the wife did i have a dodgy leg so cant but i was there in spirit).

Only in this wee country is it possible to go from snowed in to drought in less than 48 hours.

I feel like shouting and yelling but i know that i have a snowflakes chance in hell of anyone who cares and is able to do anything hearing me.

The most frustrating thing is the lack of information from the water service of Northern Ireland all they will tell us is that the interruption will last a few days and water if you bring your own containers and showers between 9am and 10am are available at one of three leisure centres.

That said

Now we have drinking water and are able to cook food again

If we are careful we might even be able to wash the dishes.

But if we plan to flush the loo any time soon and it really needs done soon we wont have much left for anything else.

So i had better keep this post short if i am going to have to drop Mrs.belfasttaxi back down to the line again as she doesn't like queuing after dark.

Water need water......

2010-12-28T18:56:00.000Z

I am beginning to think that someone out there doesn't like me.

For the guts of a week i have had no water because the supply pipe into my house was frozen.

Now all the ice has gone the water service of Northern Ireland cant cope with all the cracked and broken pipes.

Which means that once again i have no friggin water.

The best they can do is tell me to go to a local leisure centre to collect up to 20 litres so long as i can bring my own containers!!

Also if i could make it down before 10 that would be nice!!

As much as i whinge about it for me its an inconvenience i can go collect water but what are Northern Ireland water service doing for the ill or infirmed?

Very little as far as i can see most of those unable to make it to collect water are reliant on their friends and neighbours.

If you unfortunate to have to go collect water at one of the stations please think if there is anyone you know who may need someone to pick up bottle or two from them.

Ps: on the plus side i am getting a night off because i cant wash my uniform!!

The great Ulster fry

2010-12-26T06:20:00.000Z

Tradition is that on Christmas day we have what is simply the king of all breakfasts.

Nothing sets you up for the day like

The Ulster Fry

A proper Ulster fry will contain:

bacon, fried eggs, sausages, soda bread, potato bread, Black pudding

and sometimes a piece of Veg roll or a fried pancake.

Anything else is just garnish

The only drink suitable for consumption with a full ulster is of course tea that has been

boiled orange and so strong you can stand the spoon up in it.

nom nom

Seasons Greetings

2010-12-24T09:14:00.000Z

Well folks here we are its Christmas eve and no doubt we are all running around like headless chickens doing stuff that we thought was all ready sorted .

Swearing that next year that everything will be done weeks in advance so we don't get stressed to the high heavens.

I kind of like the last minute running around it never quite feels like Christmas without it.

Anyway

Wherever you are and whoever you spend it with have a Magical Christmas and a fantastic new year.

Secret Santa The rules.....

2010-12-23T08:30:00.000Z

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.14....... Free Beer

2010-12-23T00:26:00.000Z

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man slowly gets drunk, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says

####

###

"Where's that woman with the sore tooth?

Jr finishing school for Christmas….

2010-12-22T13:07:00.000Z

So Jr finish's school to day for 2 whole weeks God alone knows how i am going to keep him entertained, even worse his obsession with Santa will start now.

For the next 2 day or so all i will hear is will Santa this and will Santa that, what time will Santa be coming on Christmas eve.

For the last few year he has even made me check on Norad so he can check exactly where ~~Satan~~ sorry Santa is and has been.

I suppose at least he goes to bed on time for a change without complaining

The sooner the Beardy wonder does his duty and sod off for another year the better.

Worst Santas ever.....

2010-12-21T12:56:00.001Z

If you don't feel just a little creeped out there is something wrong with you.


This is why you only leave out a small sherry!

20 ways to mess with Santas head.......

2010-12-21T12:50:00.000Z

1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

20 ways to annoy friends and family at Christmas.....

2010-12-21T07:30:00.000Z

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.

2. Go to the shopping centre with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

3.Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

4. Squat in a corner rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

5. Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When anyone enters or leaves the room, plant a big wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")

9. Contuinuously sing Millenium Prayer, the Cliff Richard version.

10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..." Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

11. Build a snowman with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically"it didn't work!"

12. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donna, and Blitzen, etc."

13. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"

14. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" (The Lords Of Darkness apply here too...)

15. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.

16. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

17. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his/her wings."

18. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."

19. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

20. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

Snow ball in the road

2010-12-20T15:06:00.000Z

Alright i know a snowball in the road shouldn't be cause for alarm.

But this snowball was the size of a boulder and left right in the middle off the road!!

That said it must have taken a lot of work to put it there!!

"Horse Outside"

2010-12-20T05:57:00.000Z

On Saturday night i had a cab full of punters form Dublin the lord alone knows how they made it to Belfast threw the blizzards.

They not surprisingly had been on the sauce and where really quite bouncy and irritatingly happy.

Which has driving me nucking futs as i was just a little stressed from driving a two and a half ton cab on what outside the Belfast city centre where slippery and treacherous roads.

But that's a different story though, the song they screeched that grated on me most was one of the worst i have ever heard.

Its not fair that I suffer alone.

So with out any further introductions I give you

"Horse Outside"

Make sure the kids are out of the room

TOP GEAR Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio..........

2010-12-19T09:08:00.000Z

Classic Topgear clip

Fed up with Snow ...why not batter a penguin ?

2010-12-18T08:07:00.001Z

I am bloody sick to death of this snow and cold weather it make working such a pain in the butt.

Well there sure as hell isn't much i can do about the weather.

(except gurn)

So I recommend cheering yourself up by hitting penguins with a spiky bat to see how far they go.

(Yes i know its not the penguins fault but they like this weather and that close enough for me!!)

NO PENGUINS WHERE HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS GAME

Click the Yeti once to make the Penguin jump and then again to hit the smug little git.

(remember to time your swing)

Let me know your best distance you never know there may be prizes

Service Withdrawn

2010-12-17T06:43:00.000Z

I have been under the weather most of the last week ( mixture of head cold and nasty eye infection that made my eye swell up like i had been punched) so i ain't been out working as much as i should have been.

So now that i was all tickety boo again I was looking forward to getting out to work.

So when i seen tonight weather report I wasn't going to be put off my a little bit of snow.

I mean how bad can it be?

About this bad I reckon!

Well i found out pretty damn quick as i slipped slid just trying to move off and driving in a straight line was difficult as the cab wanted to skid every time it hit a bump.

I got stuck on the hill on Park Ave and had to slide down backwards with only about a yards worth of vision behind me.

In the end I had to admit defeat.

Yes i could use the cash this close to Christmas especially with being off but at the same time its hard to make money taxiing when the top speed you can do is about 10 mph.

More heavy snow is forecast for today.

But I will try again tonight when with any luck the roads service may have the streets in better condition.

(wont hold my breath though)

To be honest i expect any one with half brain will be stay the hell indoors, but i bet it wont stop those going to their works party's!

Every time i hear this song i want to cry......

2010-12-15T04:39:00.000Z

If i hear this stupid bloody song one more time before Christmas i wont be held responsible for my actions

One of the local Belfast radio stations plays it to death ever frigging year!!

I drive a taxi which means i hear about 10 to 11 hours of radio a day which seems to mean I hear this wretched song 10 to 11 times a day.

I no longer want to suffer alone so here now you can listen to it as well!!

Listen!

Silent Night / Hallelujah Mash up.......

2010-12-15T00:23:00.000Z

Alaninbelfast posted a link to this song/mashup on his twitter.

Its by a girl called Kata Hay and is a cover of both Silent Night and Hallelujah it is simply beautiful.

Belfast Christmas Traditions..... The Black Santa

2010-12-14T16:38:00.000Z

The "Black Santa" tradition at Belfast Cathedral was started by Dean Sammy Crooks in 1976.

Concerned at the emphasis being placed on necessary and costly building programmes at the Cathedral, Dean Crooks decided to stand on Donegal Street in front of the Cathedral and beg for the poor and charitable causes.

With a small barrel in which donations could be placed, and dressed in the familiar black, Anglican clerical cloak, Dean Crooks "sat out" each day of the week before Christmas. Thus began the tradition of Belfast's Deans sitting out for charities.

The local press described Dean Crooks as, Belfast's Black Santa, and the description struck a lasting chord with the public.

Dean Crooks was succeeded by Dean Jack Shearer who involved members of the Cathedral Chapter in the Sit out. Under his leadership the event continued to develop so that by his last Sit out in 2000, a total of £2.2 million pounds had been raised for charities over the previous 24 years.

The commencement of the Sit out attracts considerable attention in the local press, radio and television. The leaders of the four main Churches in Ireland, the Lord Mayor of Belfast and many other community leaders call at the Cathedral to greet the Dean...and to contribute!

All the money gathered is donated to local charities with a proportion given to Christian Aid. The range of charities includes medical research; those caring for children, youth and the elderly; the improvement of employment opportunities for young people and a host of small charities which cannot afford paid fund-raisers.

Most of the money donated is given by people who come to the Cathedral during the Sit out. Contributions are made by individuals, families, schools, offices and workplaces.

Some schools send the collection from their Christmas Carol Services or the proceeds of their Christmas Shows. Some school choirs and bands come and perform on the cathedral steps during the Sit out. To the fore amongst the schools are the students of Fleming Fulton School who all cope daily with physical disability.
The present Dean, Dr. Houston McKelvey says "These students exemplify the spirit of the Sit out. despite the problems with which they and their families cope with daily, they have an annual 'Pennies from Heaven' appeal for the Sit out for which they collect coins in Coke bottles. They have raised thousands of pounds for the Sit out in this way".

Some donors collect in the same way, all the year round, for the Sit out by emptying their pockets and purses each day and placing pennies, tuppences, five and ten pence coins in tins, or jars or bottles which they bring to the Cathedral.

Commenting on the Sit out, Dean McKelvey said, "The Sit out fully demonstrates the charitable nature of the overwhelming majority of people in this part of Ireland.

To be the leader of the team organising the Sit out is a tremendous experience which is only surpassed by actually being at the receiving end of so much generosity.

The experience is breath-taking both physically and spiritually. Charity is indeed the greatest of the Christian and human virtues".

Donations may be made at any time of the year, by sending a cheque made payable to "Cathedral Sit out" to the Dean, at Belfast Cathedral, Donegall Street, Belfast BT1 2HB

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.13

2010-12-14T16:26:00.000Z

Santa Claus needed a vacation.

He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly.

As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"

Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he decided to disguise himself.

He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!" He thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!"

Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.

"I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.

So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.

Suddenly a man shouted "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!" Santa couldn't believe it.

He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?" The man looked at Santa and said, "

####

###

You? I don't know you-- but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you, Rudolph?"

The Pilots

2010-12-13T16:07:00.000Z

I have been a wee bit under the weather over the weekend but had a good Saturday night along with a few interesting items of lost property.

I will post about them later, for now why not grab a cuppa and watch some Armstrong and Miller with me?

I love the RAF Pilots.

RAF airmen from World War II, who have the language and attitudes of stereotypical modern-day teenagers, albeit with upper class accents

The Idiot test......

2010-12-11T05:54:00.000Z

Its the weekend and you have a few minutes to kill then why not take the idiot test?

Let me know how you did.

Now you see it ...... Now you dont!

2010-12-10T16:50:00.000Z

Monday night was actually busy.

I normally don't bother working Mondays simply because they are dire and i spend most of my time sitting around the usual taxi haunts staring at other taxi drivers.

And lets be honest they ain't exactly a good looking bunch.

I had all sorts of punters ranging from late night shoppers doing the weekly grocery shop at 2.30am to clubbers out enjoying the pubs and clubs.

There is one couple i wanted to tell you about, well one half of the couple anyhow.

I think it was about half past three in the morning when i picked them up at the 24 hour Subway on Dublin Rd.

They where heading up to Four winds on the outskirts of Belfast, these two punters behaved like your typical drunken teenagers (which they where) ignoring me and concentrating on a combination of drunken mumbles coupled with bouts of trying to get as much of the other ones face inside their mouths as possible.

It was a pretty clear run despite the snow and ice so we arrived at the girls address in next to no time.

The fella in the back obviously thought this was his stop as well and was shall we say last than pleased when he found out he was going home where he liked it or not.

After what i am sure was ether pleading or begging I'm not quite sure which he accepted his fate and slumped back in to the car and ordered me to take him to Carryduff.

Now like i said these folks had a wee bit too much drink taken and now he was missing a distraction Mr lonely in the back was starting to feel a little motion sickness.

I had only managed to get a few miles up the road when i heard an all to familiar sound.

Oh crap he was retching and waving for me to pull over.

Now i pulled over as quick as i can but it takes a few seconds.

Behind me a i hear the horrid sound of rancid kebab and too many wkd's funneling out of his gob.

Finally he got out of the cab and empties his guts at the side of the road.

While he is doing this i get out to look in the back see the extent of the damage as i need to know if this is the end of my night or where i can clean things up and work on.

So i open the rear doors turn the lights on in the back of the cab and i cant believe what i see on the seats and floor of the cab.

Nothing they are all lovely and clean not a damp patch on them anywhere.

But now i am confused Lonely humpy dude spewed for a good 10 seconds before he got out so where the hell was it?

Oh hell no i thought not in the pocket on the back of the drivers seat!!

Dirty git!

But no it was empty as well.

So lonely dude wanders back over and tells me he is close enough and will walk the rest, he pays his fare and starts to dander on home.

But i need to know where the hell did he puke?

So i shouted after him "fella when you where sick what happened, where did it go"?

He pointed to his arm.

It turned out when he puked he had spewed down the sleeve of his coat from the wrist end so that it didn't make a mess!!

I am still not sure whether to be impressed or discussed?

But at least he kept the cab clean.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.12

2010-12-09T08:08:00.000Z

A family had twin girls whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.

If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.

Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.

The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found her sitting amid her new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found her dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

####

###

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Oh shit Oh shit make the bad car stop......

2010-12-08T11:51:00.000Z

Early hours of this morning it had just finished snowing and i had just finished a run to east Belfast.

The Upper Newtownards Rd to be exact.

Well one of the little side streets just of it.

My customer safely deposited at her place of residence i started making my way back on the N,townards Rd.

What I didn't noticed on my way in was a tiny tiny hill in fact it was barely an incline.

I did notice it on the way out however because when i pushed the big make car go slower /stop pedal nothing happened.

Now it needs to be said I wasn't going all that quickly at most i was travelling about 5mph and to be fair that's probably exaggerating.

So what's the problem i hear you ask your only sliding at 5ish mph?

Well yes i was only doing 5ish mph but i was also about to slide straight out on to one of the busiest roads in Belfast.

The first thing I thought was oh shit oh shit make the bad car stop!

The second thing I thought realizing thought number one wasn't going to help was this things moving so slow I could just about stand up and just get out and i will be fine.

The third thought was if i get out then i will have a hell of a time explaining any accident to the cops and if i was still inside i might be able to do something when i regain control.

So i put on the hazard lights ( I figured a car that wouldn't stop was a hazard) to try and attract other drivers attention.

I also decided to sound my horn figuring it would get more drivers spot me and give them a chance of avoiding me.

So heart racing, horn sounding and hazards flashing i slid out on to the main Rd.

Where coming straight for me was nothing yup not a thing.

In my panic I had managed to forget it was the early hours of the morning so i ended up feeling a bit of a prat.

Even though it turned out to be a panic over nothing I still had a great adrenaline rush and a case of the shakes for a good half hour.

Go elf yourself

2010-12-07T18:29:00.000Z

While i was under the weather i came across this website!

Elfyourself.com it uses your photo to make you (or your victim) into a dancing elf.

Was going to use a photo of Belfast Cabby but he got upset and threw a huff typical man!!

Time to Christmas things up…..

2010-12-06T12:17:00.001Z

Ok i am not normally one who goes in for a lot of the shazzam around Christmas, i like to enjoy Christmas quietly with family and don't feel the need to light up the front of my house with plastic reindeers for six weeks prior to the event.

But i am going to make an exception this year and jazz up the cab, Christmas it up as such.

Why am i doing this?

Because Mrs.belfasttaxi told me i have too.

She also mumbled something about me being a miserable auld grump and offered me a humbug for some reason

So form tonight i will probably be the only taxi in Belfast with a dancing Santa on the inside and a pair of antlers plus a red nose on the outside!

Oh well i suppose if nothing else they will attract attention which might get me a little more work.

Although if it was me it would be the one cab i would avoid.

Hello police my snowman is missing......

2010-12-05T08:32:00.000Z

OK this isn't a wind up this is a real call by some moron to the cops in England because her snowman went missing!!

She’s back….

2010-12-05T07:36:00.001Z

Well they let her out at last.

I suppose the hospital had to in the end.

So its back to doing as i’m told and handing over my takings as soon as i get in!

I wouldn't have it any other way!

Belfast taxi

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no 12

2010-12-03T15:36:00.001Z

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said."

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied:

###

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear