How to embarrass you parents.......or dad what where you doing to mummy

I was sent this a few days ago its been one of the few things to make me smile lately.

So has to be worth sharing.

I am just glad its not me answering the questions!!

Quick update

Mrs.belfasttaxi is finally starting to look a little better but is still dosed with heavy pain killers.

She is also receiving intravenous antibiotics which at last seem to be having an affect but it will be at least another 3 -4 day to know if they are successful.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers

.

Mrs.belfasttaxi in hospital....

Hi Folks

Last night Mrs.belfasttaxi was admitted to hospital. So i wont be posting again until all is back to normal

BTD

As i couldn't think of anything else......

AS i couldn't think what else to post here is one of those dumb about me quizzes!

1. What time did you get up this morning? About 11 am, pretty early for a guy on night shift dont ya think?

2. How do you like your steak? Piled high and covered in onions

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Harry Potter and the deathly hollows ( i was forced to go so for the love of God don't do this to yourself).

4. What is your favourite TV show? Oooh tough one there is so many, lets say QI

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Belfast there's no where like home!

6. What did you have for breakfast?  lunch.

7. What is your favourite cuisine? I just couldn't chose it like asking which is you favourite son!

8. What foods do you dislike? Anything that's green and leafy

9. Favourite Place to Eat? Really depends on my mood.

10. Favourite dressing? Thousand Island

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Taxi Cab

12. What are your favourite clothes? Socks cant stand cold toes

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Everywhere I haven’t been.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? 1/2 empty kinda fella that way if im wrong at least its not as bad as i thought.

15. Where would you want to retire? Long way off yet

16. Favourite time of day? Quitting time

17. Where were you born? Belfast

18. What is your favourite sport to watch? Its a toss up between Football and boxing.

22. Bird watcher? No stopped all that when i got married.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Ironically im a morning person.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?  Exciting news (yes) like to share (no)

26. What did you want to be when you grew up? Rich

27. What is your best childhood memory? Not sure i have one

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dog person. Cats are sneaky and evil.

29. Are you married? Oh yes

30. Always wear your seat belt? No taxi drivers don't have to while working

31. Been in a car accident? Yes a couple, both when i was parked

32. Any pet peeves? Vegetarians who eat chicken and fish!!!

33. Favourite Pizza Toppings? chillies chicken and BBQ sauce

34. Favourite Flower? Flowers die.

35. Favourite ice cream? Choccy bear (honeycomb and chocolate)

36. Favourite fast food restaurant? Don't have one

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? I refuse to answer this question as it may harm trade.

38. From whom did you get your last email? Someone who was trying to sell me Viagra.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Mrs.belfasttaxi has taken care of this already

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? made myself a cup of tea does that count?

41. Like your job? Most of the time yeah.

42. Broccoli? Food of the Devil

43. What was your favourite holiday?  Butlins when i was little

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Wife

45. What are you listening to right now? Mrs.belfasttaxi snoring it's kinda cute though

46. What is your favourite colour? Green

47. How many tattoos do you have? None i don't do pain

50. Coffee Drinker? Tea please. Nambarry or punjana please.

The Gillian Mckeith song

Fake "Doctor" Gillian McKeith is a hateful, vile self centred munchkin of a woman who for the last 10 years or so has made a career of  chastising fat people on tv.

Her fave way for figuring out what is wrong with her clients ( which everyone else can see just by looking at them) is to look at and prod there poo,

She then forces the poor rotund folk to live on broccoli and mung beans for a few months during which they lose weight which lets face it is hardly surprising cos who the hell wants to eat broccoli or mung beans?

Just recently her career has flagged so she went on I'm a celebrity get me out of here.

where it turns out she is frightened of ever thing including her own shadow.

Needless to say Dr McKeith faints,collapses or just refuses to take part during the bush tucker trails thus making herself even more unpopular than ever.

I came across this wee tune about the poop poking midget in the jungle on youtube which is simply magic

Another taxi hijacked....

Its a sad fact that come the Christmas period that things like robbery and car jacking go on the increase,

The driver affected  works for a Lisburn depot called New city cabs hopefully the driver is ok and gets his cab back.

Detectives are appealing for information after a taxi was hijacked in Lisburn during the early hours of Wednesday morning, 24th November.

Two males, one armed with a broken bottle and the other with a screwdriver, forced the driver from his vehicle after he was called to a fare at a fast food restaurant at Sprucefield at around 2.40am.

The grey Skoda Superb car, which displays the registration ULZ 4615 and has a New City Cabs sign on the roof, then made off in the direction of the new M1 link road.

The taxi driver wasn't injured but was left badly shaken by the ordeal.

Anyone who was in the area at the time or anyone who knows the current location of the car is asked to contact Lisburn CID on 0845 600 8000.

Mrs.BelfastTaxi sicky bad no well

So Mrs.belfastTaxi isn't well she spent most of yesterday up at the Royal hospital.

She has felt ill for over a week now and also had gut wrenching pain in her tummy

but being a woman and as stubborn as a mule it has taken over a week to get her to see her own doctor.

Just after lunch yesterday she got a call from her doctor telling her to come down the office as there was a problem with her bloods.

Long story short something in her blood work that was meant to read somewhere around 6 was over 140 in hers so she was packed of the hospital.

After more bloods followed by some poking and prodding they worked out she had something called Diverticulitis.

They wanted her to stay in but she talked them round into letting her out with antibiotics and a promise to return should the pain get any worse.

Also if its no better she will be kept in next week.

Needless to say she wouldn't have been back home if I had known what she was doing at the time because I would have tied her to the bloody bed myself.

So keep her in your prayers folks as I having to stay in hospital will dive her nuts.

(she get bored easily)

Facebook Etiquette

The rules of Facebook relationships.

Ps: All the same feel free to click on my facebook link on the bottom right of the screen.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.11

 

Paddy and Mick worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."   

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him 45 Euros a week unemployment pay.   

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 90 Euros a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into  the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.   

The clerk explained: 'Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs.

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Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."

Its not just Bob that dont like Mondays.....

Last night was my first Monday night in God knows how long.

I hate working Mondays simply because they tend to be so slow.

I ended up working last night due to unforeseen events last weekend.

To start  my beloved was under the weather and feeling extremely sore on the Friday night so being the caring husband that i am i stayed home and tried to look after her.

(although I think I got in the road as much as I managed to help!!)

Saturday and Sunday nights where lost thanks to Ruby the new family puppy/mutt getting over excited and spilling the contents of her bladder on my back seat.

She managed this despite going to the loo only 2 minute before and the journey in the car lasting 1 minute!

Even though i was able to clean everything she spilled it took two days to dry properly.

So in the end I had to work last night to get enough money to pay depot rent.

Well I say work but I think more time was spent staring at other taxi drivers wondering why I was there!

 Bob don't like Mondays either!

Sarurday night TV

Now i suppose it kinda goes without saying i tend to work most if not all Saturday nights, after all when else would a taxi driver make any money these days.

So it no surprise that i never really see what passes for Saturday night TV.

Well tonight was the exception to the rule.

I had the night off due to a certain puppy (im looking at you ruby) having a weak bladder that leaked on my back seat despite only being in the cab for 2 frickin minutes and having been to the loo just before she got in!

Anyhoo

Strictly come dancing made my night and put me back in a good mood.

Or more accurately that old battle axe Miss Ann Widdecombe former member of parliament on Strictly come dancing made my night.

She looked like big bird and moved like a baby hippo with no sense of rhythm and when she was spun around the floor I was in stitches, but she was fantastic caring not a jot what the judges thought just enjoying herself.

She single handedly made the show of course the judges hated her attempt at the Samba.

The judges gave her the lowest score ever on the show but with any luck the public vote will save her as it has done for the last few weeks.

For the first time ever I even voted myself on a TV vote, it was worth the 15p Ann was priceless.

I didnt know you could buy this in macro......

Earlier today i was doing a little seasonal shopping in Macro when i spotted a new energy drink.

(new to me anyway)

Being a big kid it made me smile.

What it like driving a cab during the troubles.....

I found these video's on Youtube and i know a few of the guys interviewed.

I had no idea what some of them had been through!

Pranked Belfast Taxi Drivers

A few year back a TV show called "Just for laughs" thought it would be great crack to prank poor innocent taxi drivers.

As i spotted what was going on at the time i wasn't one of poor buggers who fell for there dastardly schemes.

.

But does that stop me laughing at my colleges who did?

Not for a second.

Christmas gift idea's

Coming up to Christmas.

Do you need a gift for a loved one who has trouble hailing a cab?

I have found the solution.

TAXI MITTENS

to help u get a taxi any time day or night!

How could you not want a pair?

Now available where you can find someone dumb enough to knit them for you!

Or what about this great T-shirt?

The big fella's is getting one wether he wants it or not!

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.10

Declaring War on the French

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!

We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!

Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub.

That makes eleven!

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

Right says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. 

We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused.

'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. 

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!

We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.

'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

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'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and we decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoner

Lost property............... Dad do ya like my new IPhone

I never check the car for lost property when I quit for the night.

Instead Jr checks it the next morning when he is getting a lift up to school with his mum or when we are heading out somewhere at the weekends.

For the most part he finds the odd coin or two, sometimes if he is very lucky he has came across a note or two.

His reward for doing this is that what he finds he gets to keep.

That was until yesterday.

We where all piling into the car heading over to Boucher Rd to Pets at home looking for a new collar for the mutt.

"Sweet i always wanted one of these" shouted Jr excitedly.

"Whats that then" I yawned (night shift sucks)

"Well you know how uncle Bobs got a IPhone 3gs?"

"An IPhone 3gs? what do you mean 3gs? An IPhone an IPhone isn't it?"

"No Dad theirs a difference like mines an IPhone 4"

I wasn't falling for that one i know he wants a new mobile for Christmas!

"You ain't getting an IPhone do know how much they cost"

"Its OK Dad i got one here!" he grinned

"WHAT where did you get that?"

"It was under the back seat, I always wanted one of these there sweet" he said still smiling

"Jr we got to give it back they cost a bomb" i tried to explain

"Maybe they don't want it why else would they leave it at there ass!!"

"I doubt they did it on purpose and stop saying ass".

So i ended up prizing the phone out of his hand, after five minutes of trying to work out how the hell it worked (Jr knew but i wasn't handing it back)

i called the number save as home on the phone.

The fella that lost it was one of my first punters the night before so i had been driving around all night with it on the floor of the cab and no one had nicked it!!

I arranged to drop it off on my way to Boucher, The fella was chuffed to get it back.

  I told IPhone man there was no need but Jr was a bit happier when he got rewarded with a £20 finders fee.

Irish Medical Dictionary

 

 Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What you do when patients die.

Benign: What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for Kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

.

Colic: A sheep dog

.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: I knew it.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Nearly killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour: One plus one more.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

Christmas Continental Market

I look forward to this market every year.

Lets face it where else can you get a Kangaroo burger?

The City Hall grounds will come alive with dozens of market stalls offering a stunning range of crafts, food and decorations from across Europe,

The  continental market is back from next Saturday the 20 November until19 December 2009.

The Market normally has things like 

Bratwurst sausages and German beer

warming gluhwein (German mulled wine)

liqueur coffees

gourmet burgers

Spanish paella

toasted baguettes

waffles, crêpes and Dutch pancakes

cakes, fudge and sweets

Continental and Irish cheeses

exotic meats from around the world.

If you are looking for an unusual Christmas gift then you are bound to find something among the great selection of gifts and crafts, including:

leather handbags, purses and wallets from France

candles

jewellery

natural carved wooden furniture, statues, figurines from Kenya
pashminas and scarves.

Men attempt to rob Belfast taxi driver at knifepoint

Police are appealing for information after two men attempted to rob a taxi driver in north Belfast. 

The driver was called to an address in the Faburn Park area at about 0350 GMT on Saturday.

One of the men threatened the taxi driver with a knife

. The second man, who claimed to have a gun, got into the back of the car.

Following a struggle the pair made off empty handed. 

The taxi driver was left with knife wounds to his hand. 

My Weather forecasting service........

My weather forecasts rock.

Always 100% accurate.

The Polar Bear is getting worse.............

You bought the wrong peas.

Fish Fingers.............. Dont mess with da bear

Don't mess with the Polar bear!

Sinister Fish fingers advert!

Na lets not and say we did..

Torrential rain, winds of up to 70mph,

trees blown down on roads everywhere,

some streets flooding,

motorways closed.

Terrible driving conditions coupled with a severe weather warning.

Time for work!

Na lets not and say we did..

Sounds Familiar......I could swear i know that voice!

Stade

I know that name i though to myself when I read the job i had just received on the datahead.

There is nothing unusual in that you get to know the names of regular punters.

but this didn't hit me as someone I knew.

Anyhow i made my way to where I was meant to pick up and two vaguely familiar fellas jumped in.

I ask where i was taking them, they where heading to separate addresses.

One bloke had a Belfast accent and one had an American/Canadian accent and for some reason it was the gent with the American/Canadian accent who i found familiar.

Both passengers where in very good form laughing and messing about, I was still trying to figure where i knew this bloke from there was.

We arrived at the first address quickly and the fella with the American/Canadian accent says his goodbyes and gets out.

As we where driving away I asked fella number two so what did you folks get up to tonight?

"Not much we where just at the students union the comedy club was on tonight.

"Comedy Club"

All of a sudden I knew why Mr American/Canadian accent was familiar.

It was bloody Tom Stade he's a stand up comedian.

One I did a friggin post on just a few weeks ago!!

Sake.

We will remember them

 

 

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Sad taxi driver joke of the week no 9

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples.

The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. 

He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes.

The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing?

You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing

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"I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."