Auto Correct = laffs

Any time i need cheering up this wee website works wonders,

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

 

Simply put its photos of messages sent usually from Iphones or other smart phones where the auto-correct software has changes the message!! 

 

Many laughs ensue!!

Well they do if your a big kid like me!

Dalek's finally defeated......

Those of you who watch Dr Who will know that no matter how many time the Doctor defeats the Daleks they just keep on coming back!

Not anymore they won't.

You could hear a pin drop........

Why wont anyone talk to me?

I am pretty sure I don't smell any worse normal!

OK I have let my hair and beard grow to the point where I look like a very chubby Animal from the Muppet's but surely it cant be that?

After all they spent most of the journey looking at the back of my head!

I have even tried the the stock questions that all cabby's use to start a conversation.

Where you waiting long?

Brrr its cold out there! isn't it?

Etc, Etc, Etc.

One word answers was all i was getting

I would have had better chance of getting a tin of striped paint than a decent conversation

All weekend  i think only 3 or 4 people bothered to chat while i drove them home, really quite boring!

Must have been the most boring weekend i have ever work.

 

No scandal or gossip at all.

I don't know what has everyone so sullen and depressed all of a sudden.

Still maybe they will cheer up soon after all its not long till payday!

My Blackberry Is Not Working

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.17

Murphy had been feeling ill for a long time.

His doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for
you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured.

I'd give you two weeks to a month." 

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news,
but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things
don't go so well.

In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live.

Let's head for
the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. 

There were some laughs and more beers. 

They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion,

"Dad I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

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Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother."

Late Night Food

Where can i get something to eat?

Pretty normal question for any taxi driver, but one that i dread when its asked anytime after 1 am.

Belfast like most town’s and city's has the usual assortment of Chinese, burger and kebab joints open catering to the multitudes getting kicked out of the pubs and clubs.

I suppose my problem is in recommending any of them is simply i haven't tried any of them.

But can you blame me i have picked up from most of these joints and maybe because I'm sober the smell of some the crap they pass off as food nearly has me ready to boak!

There used to be one place not to far from Benedict's a small kebab shop who’s kebabs smelled of that iron like smell you get of blood smothered in garlic.

Lovely!

But at least they where better that a certain chip/burger/pizza/kebab shop on the Lisburn rd who i witnessed use their chip scoop as a fly swat, then go back to using it without cleaning it.

Eeeeaahh, i shiver just thinking of it again.

That said i have in my misspent youth rolled out of many a pub at closing time unable to think any further than the local Chinese or chippy

.

Hell from time to time i even forced down a Kebab.

(Spinks on Stranmillis Rd yum yum)

There is one place that mystifies me as to why its so busy.

Subway!

I mean what the hell are people thinking?

I have never once fell out of a pub and thought to myself you know what i could kill for a Sandwich!

Burgers,curries,chips,kebabs hell anything that's been fried or hot and spicy.

But a chicken salad bap with cheese no mayo and extra jalapeños!

I'm sorry i don't care what you say its just wrong!

I think someone needs a reality check............

I was listening to BBC Radio 5s Up all night program last night.

They had a feature on this whacked out American dude who obviously the Kick-ass movie just a bit too seriously,

His name is Phoenix Jones and he is the leader of the Rain city super hero movement whos members include

Buster Doe,Red Dragon,Green Reaper,Thorn ,Gemini,No Name,Catastrophe,Thunder88 and Penelope.

Oh yeah the reason he was on the radio was that he tried to stop an assault and ended up near getting shot and managing to get a broken nose!

Part of me cant help wonder what the reaction of  the people of Belfast would be if anyone tried this.

Jr hits double figures

Me and Jr at the Giants causeway a few years ago

 My little boy turned ten last weekend and im not quite sure how the hell it happened.

Have the last ten years really when so quickly?

It seems that it has and i have not even came close to doing all the things i  wanted to do with him by now.

I know every parent claims their kids grow up too quickly but that is exactly how it feels.

It seems like overnight i have went from having this tiny little tot who was always pleased to see me  to a cheeky wee git (but lovable) who is almost as sarcastic as this mother.

Even though i have always been there, it feels like I missed huge parts of him growing up.

I don't know if his 20th birthday will feel like it has came around as quickly this one, but i plan to pack in as much fun with him as I possibly can in the next ten years.

Duck, Duck,Goose..................

I seen this trick on Penn and Tellers: Fool us

I have had to wait a few weeks for it to appear on you-tube so i can share it with you all!

The ending is worth the wait.

A little bit of perspective.......

Hey folk's

 

I have finally managed to get out of the cab.

January means long shifts in the taxi game unfortunately.

 

Everyone ends up putting in more hours than normal to try to make up for the lack of trade.  

 

Its the same every January, yet every year I manage to forget how slow trade gets.

 

Regular punters struggle to pay off their credit cards instead of going out I suppose!

 

Still as much as i whinge about working long hours their is always some poor bugger worse off.

Last night i picked up a homeless man who had been moved on by the police on Botanic Ave,

 

I guess he was in his mid twenty's, he had been drinking but wasn't drunk and although scruffy looking was quite clean and very pleasant to talk to.

He was only going about half a mile but we chatted on the way

he had end up living on the streets when his mums new boyfriend had moved in!

I didn't push him for details but it was clear he had been homeless for a while.

I felt so sorry for him but at the same time quite helpless to do anything to really help!

When i was a teen i ran away from home and lived on the streets for a few weeks, it was probably the hardest few weeks of my life.

I was cold ,wet,scared and hungry most if not all the time.

I can only imagine that anyone else living that way feels the same!

Needless to say i didn't charge him for the ride although i will be making a point of looking out for him around the city centre.

I just kinda wish i could have helped more.

Don't drink and drive here's why.....

If you ever need a reason for not drinking and driving please scoot over to 

A Night in the Life of A Fredericton Cabby

Please folks 

Don't drink and drive

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.16

 

 

 

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all working as spies
for the UK Government during the cold war when they're captured
by the Ruskies.

Several years pass and the Russian prison starts to get a bit
full, and the oppurtunity arises for an exchange of prisoners.

The Russians talk and decide not to release anyone too high an
IQ and so come up with a simple test in order to decide who they
should release.

Now the cells the three guys are basically pits with high walls
and a door at the top to allow food to be thrown in and/or a
ladder to be lowered.

 

So the Ruskies go along to the Englishmans
cell and shine a torch down to him. 

 

"Walk up the beam of light and you can go free English!"

"FUCK OFF YOU RUSSIAN BASTARDS! I'M NOT JESUS! I
CAN'T WALK UP A BEAM OF LIGHT!"

The russians leave and go to the Scotsmans cell and shine the
torch down to him. 

 

"Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

"OCH! GAN BOIL YE HEID, YA RUSSIAN WANKERS! I CANNY WARK UP NAE
BEAM A FOCKING LIGHT!"

So the russians go to the Irishmans cell and shine the torch
down to him. 

 

"Walk up the beam of light and you can go free!"

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"YA CAN'T FOOL ME YOU BASTARDS! YOU'LL TURN IT OFF WHEN I'M HALF
WAY UP!"

Better put your trainers on then Carolyn........................

Trapped

Saturday night was a bit of a slog this week, I fact if i am honest just about every night was I bit of a slog.

The pubs and clubs where fairly empty by there normal standards and for us poor old taxi drivers punters where sparse.

That said some of the restaurants seemed to defy the post Christmas/new years gloom looking quite busy!

 The punters who where out and about where more the crowd I would expect on a Sunday night.

 Nutters and eejits

I was having one of those nights where every job was a hassle, there was a little something to annoy me every job I did.

Little things from customers mumbling when telling me their address to having to climb out of my nice cosy car to rap my customers door, which any other night wouldn't have fizzed on me in the slightest.

(it is part of the job after all) 

But of course the driveway i had to walk up was covered in black ice.

It was about 3:30am when i got the first job that was going any distance.

It was 3 girls going to Finaghy, Hillsborough ant then to the Maze.

It was a pretty uneventful run although I did skid a few times on the black ice in Belfast but i was only going a few Mph and I doubt any of my passengers noticed.

After dropping off the last of the girls i started to make my way back to civilization.

Now the number of time i have been to The Maze i can count on one hand but over the last year or so there has been a lot of developments, new estates and the like.

It was into one of these i made a wrong turn!

I had turn into a small cul-de-sac no big deal I thought, so i turned the sat-nav on and got myself turned around.

When I tried to drive back out I found I had a slight problem.

My wheels where turning well at least the front ones where but I wasn't moving.

Having year of motoring knowledge to call upon i did what most folks would have done.

I swore loudly and pressed the accelerator harder none of which helped at all.

Instead of going forwards the cab moved sidewards and backwards

I was at least twenty miles from Belfast in the backside of nowhere at 4am and unable to move and oh yeah i am pretty sure i am starting to wake the locals!!

I was nearly ready to cry.

I had no idea what to do.

After half an hour 

I even thought of calling myself a cab to come take me home and abandoning the cab until the next day!

Except I didn't know the name of the estate I was stuck in!!

Then it came to me in a flash.

Top gear.

On Top gear when Jeremy Clarkson was on a trip to Iceland they lowered the tyre pressure for better grip on ice and snow.

I had tried everything else so figured what the hell it cant hurt.

So i let out about half the air in my front tyres and climbed back in to the cab.

I tried to move of slowly and even though my wheels still spun like crazy i was moving slowly forward at last.

It took another 2 minutes of spinning wheels, over revving engine and slipping tyres but i finally got free.

I knew all those years of watching top gear would pay off eventually.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Check out Maneggs its one of the funniest cartoon blogs i have ever seen.

Enjoy more tasty Maneggs at maneggs.com

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.15

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you!', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the Priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. 

When the taxi driver drove, 

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everyone prayed.

African Women.............

 Mine where not nice smiley ladies like this one

Oh well another year is over and i cant say i am sad to see it go.

Last year was kind of rough for myself and the family for all sorts of reasons but God willing this one will be if nothing else a bit more fun!!

Anyway i am going to start the year by sounding racist but hopefully i wont make everyone hate me!

(More than they already do)

First of all lets get the racist part out of the road.

I don't care if you black,white,yellow even if your bright orange because of to much fake tan.

  I couldn't give rats ass where you are from, what religion you belong to, nor do I care what you choose to wear from a three piece suit to a sari.

What i do care about is a how you behave and that show a little respect!!

Last night was the last straw.

I new the second I seen her she and her friend would be a pain in the arse.

They came out of the house 2 down from the house they ordered the cab for waddling and both wearing looks that i can only describe as a sneer.

They where African women.

I don't know where in Africa they where from if I had to guess I would say Nigeria but to be fair with my uselessness with accents i would probably be wrong!

I know they where African thought as they wore brightly coloured African style clothes which although impressive not exactly practical for cold wet evenings in Belfast!

They slumped down on the rear set of the cab and barked out the name of the street they wanted to go to not wanting to waste any small talk with me.

They where heading to the far side of town.

The streets where quite empty so i made good time as they sat behind me twittering away in some other language which if i am honest annoyed me.

But only because i am a nosey bugger.

 I thought about learning Chinese just so i could know what they where saying, even if most of the time they are only talking about what to have for dinner!

The journey these ladies where taking costs about £10 give or take a little for traffic but they where going to refuse to pay it.

It was all to expected when we where just about walking distance from there destination that one of them announced that they would not be paying the price on the meter.

They had decided that for my services that they would pay £3 only because that was a fair price for such a journey!

£3 for a 5 - 6 mile journey.

Like i said i knew this was going to happen it happens every time I pick up similarly dressed women and i do mean literally every time.

Now most just tried to get a pound or two for the fare nothing like the £7 these two old biddies where trying for.

They didn't look very please when I laughed, they looked even less pleased when they where told if they didn't want to pay the proper fare I would leave them at the side of the road.

Apparently even though they where trying to stiff me it was job to take them where they wanted to go.

So much bickering later we arrive at there address.

Where after a short argument they jump out and throw a fiver at me and scurried of into them home.

My dilemma dear reader is in future do I lift these folks I hate to turn down any fare based on what they look like, 

but am sick of getting stiffed over the fare at the end of the day i am trying to make a living.

They pull this scam every time with these folks not most of the time or some of the time but every single time!

What to i do?

Happy new year