What an awful weekend....

This cat knows how i feel

Readers i don't know where to begin, it has been an truly awful weekend.

1. I have been under the weather all week.(think i may be a little depressed)

2. I fell down the stairs

3. It was really quiet  with little work about, I had hoped with folks getting payed at the end of the month it would have been busy.

4.Slipped on mutts chew toy, stubbed toe while landing ass cheek first on her bone

4. Worst of all Arsenal lost the cup final.

5.Had to put up with texts,emails,tweets and facebook messages telling me Arsenal lost the stupid friggin cup

6.Fell asleep and missed Top Gear.

7. Cant quite explain how but fell up the stairs (hurt wrist on top landing)

All in all bloody glad its over.

Cup Final.......Mon the Gooners

I finished early last night just to be sure i would be up in time for to days cup final.

The mighty and glorious Arsenal are playing some poor bunch of reprobate Brummies.

I shall enjoy watching the carnage before Arsenal lift the cup.

My only complaint is that the Ireland Six Nations rugby match is on at the same time bad planning by the TV people if you ask me.

How funny can ripping paper be?

Well its near the end of another slow and some what stressful week.

On top of that its kind of been a boring one as well with very little to pass on to your good selves.

Still there is always Saturday night.

Anyhow i was sent this video and it cheered me up and smile a little.

If you don't smile by the end of this video your dead inside.

Darth Vader V Hitler Rap Battle....

Over the last few days i have discovered the wonderful time wasting ways of Stumbleupon.

Well on one of my late night stumbles i came across this video that got me a punch in the ribs and told to shut up from the misses for giggling like a fire year old

There is a little bit of swearing so make sure there's no kid's about .

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.21

John gets a distressed phone call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.

None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." 

Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, 

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"For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."

Ladies Choice

Last night Jr was staying at his Grandads which left me and the misses with the rarest of occasions a free night!

Sp it was decided fairly early on that instead of our normal trip to the cinema that we would go out for a meal.

All well and good so far, but although she had decided that we should go for a meal Mrs.belfasttaxi had not got a clue as to where we should go.

I tried to suggest a few places from Ginger in hope St to the Point out in Ballyhackamore.

None of which where as she put it what she fancied!

"I know the prefect place" she informed me after coming in form leaving the wee man round.

"Where" i asked.

"You will see when we get there" i was told.

So I left it at that as my wife has pretty good taste.

So where did we end up, huh?

Feckin Pizza Hut 

Apparently she wanted somewhere she could just relax and chill out.

Words fail me, next time i am friggin choosing.

Backseat Bickering

Is there anything worse than being around a couple arguing?

Well obviously there is! Cancer,war, maybe paper cuts?

I picked up a couple in the Cathedral quarter who where heading out to a hotel in the outskirts of the city.

He was obnoxious ignorant little git, she didn't look to happy either, she threw herself down on the seat and slammed the door as she got in .

They exchanged snide  remarks at just above a wisper getting louder as they got more and more animated.

She was furious that he had made her leave whatever nightclub they where at early.

He complained that he didn't want to have to fight for a cab once everyone else left the club.

He wouldn't of had to as i have seen zombie moves with more life in them than town last night!

Then he made his big mistake by appealing to reason, after all the clubs closed in five minutes!

The next few sentences that came from his lady friends potty mouth where unrepeatable,

they even contained some four letter words i haven't heard before!

Then he committed the worst sin of all.

He tried to bring me into it! "Big fella would you behave like a grumpy spoilt brat because you left a club a few minutes early"?

Hell no I wasn't falling for that one not again, the friggin cheek of trying to drop me in it.

"No mate i would be annoyed because the club you where at doesn't shut until 3am" I replied

I was shot a dirty look but he sat in silence the rest of the way while his partner mumbled words like tosser and twat in his general direction.

Truned out he was a twat making her pay for the cab as he had bought her a drink.

Classy bloke huh!

Thief......

Sometimes i think the phone monkeys save the arseholes just for me.

Last job tonight was picking up in Martinez Ave and was meant to be going to the Saintfield Rd.

Simple enough you would think ,yeah well so did i!

I arrived at * Martinez Ave and put through callback then sat back to wait on my punter coming out.

After nearly 10 minutes i was just about to put the call down as a no-job when a skinny fella in his 30s ran out to the car.

"He will be out in a minute mate he's just saying goodbye to everyone" he said.

So i waited some more, about 5 minutes later he finally dragged arse out to the cab.

When asked where he wanted to go he mumbled "jusst u heed for Carrydufff alright".

OK he didn't sound the happiest and all 6'6" of him slouched like a moody teenager across the back seat.

We had made it about half way the Carryduff when he asked me to pull over.

He wanted to make a phone call and might need to go back into town.

It became quickly clear that we would be heading back,

Of course he didn't know where he wanted to go to because although who ever was on the phone with him was inviting him to a party, but he couldn't get the address out of them!

Finally after i was handed the phone i worked out i was to take him to Greystown Ave.

It took about 8 -10 minutes to drive from where we where to Greystown Ave and the incredible sulk was starting to get narky criticizing anything and everything, passing snide remarks.

So we arrive and of course he doesn't know what number he is going to and cant get through to anyone on the phone to fined out.

Not that the gobshite was trying to bloody hard.

Another taxi turned up and he spotted his mates getting out of it.

"Right mate cheers" he said as he got out!

"Oi hold on you forgetting something"?

"Like what"

"Like paying for one"

"I already paid you so i did" he mumbled and waddled off.

Because of the way I was parked by the time I managed to get out of the car he disappeared into his mates house.

I knew it was one of three houses but i could hardly rap the doors of all three waking up two houses who where nothing to do with it.

There was no point calling the old bill ether unless I could tell them where he was.

So the arsehole got away, he done me on the guts of £20 and all I could do was let the depot know so that we don't pick up from that address again.

I am sick to death of this kinda crap its happening more and more now.

 (more times in the last year than in the last six years put together)

Things are hard enough out there at the moment to make a crust without assholes like him not paying.

So I future I wont be letting twats like this away with it.

No in future I will be taking there photo.

If they don't pay a nice big posters will be made with there pictures on them and above the photo in big block capitals will be printed THIEF.

It shouldn't take long to post a few around which ever area I have picked them up or dropped them at.

If they want to steal from me then they can put up with their friends and neighbours knowing what they have done.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.20

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. "

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.

Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. 

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 

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"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" 

Haircut Major Fail...

For about the last 10 - 12 years i have kept my head shaved, I have done this for a number of reasons.

Its much easier to look after for a start and I am naturally going to end up bald anyhow.

 (damn genetics)

Well for the first time in over a decade I let my hair regrow, I also grew a full beard which if i am quite honest I am kinda attached to even if it is a different colour to the rest of my hair.

I suppose i kinda looked like a very fat version of Shaggy from Scooby doo only with a better beard.

Not pretty but you get the idea.

Well last night I decided that i had to cut my hair again, as much as i liked having hair agian it looked awful.

You see my hair wont do the decent thing and just recede towards the back of my head.

 Oh no my hair has receded but left me with two small island of hair at the front of my head so that if i don't brush if forward it looks like I have bloody horns! 

So I get out the shears for my dear beloved to shave my head.

(something she has been looking forward too, she hates when I let my hair grow).

No sooner than she had started cutting my hair than i heard a funny clunking sound from the shears followed by them trying to pull my hair out by the bloody roots.

Needless to say the shears had given up the ghost leaving me like this.

Not frigging funny

But thats not the worst of it i had to leave the house like this!!

The only person i could find who had a set of shears was my dad and he couldn't come to me so i have to drive to his with my noggin as above, in my panic i couldn't find my woolly hat.

I have never been so scared of being stopped by the police.

Thankfully i got there without being recognized and finished my return to being a slap head.

But i keep the beard just to annoy Mrs.belfasttaxi,

 I now look like a white version of Taaj from come fly with me!

Except better looking of course!

Back Seat Drivers

If I have one pet hate its back seat drivers.

Oh OK i hate many pet hates but back seat drivers are one of my pet pet hates if there is such a thing.

Take Mrs keen for example lovely old dear, i have been picking her up at least twice a week ever since i started taxiing almost 7 years ago!

To this day gives me turn by turn directions, which doesn't sound so bad until you know that the only time she uses taxis is to take her to work and back!

I could forgive her if she was doting a little (she is well into her seventies) but she is as sharp as a tack!

Back seat driving seems to be a real habit here in Belfast at least a couple of fare a night will shout out directions even after i assure them i know where there destination is.

My personal fave is the prats who shout out to take the next corner despite the fact they already seen me start to indicate a good ten seconds earlier.

I mean what the hell do they think the flashy light on the side of the car is for?

I guess what brought this to a head was a job i picked up a few nights back from the corner of High Street just past the Ulster Sports Club.

They where a group of three ladies all about 50ish, one of which was a lady called Sarah who i know.

They where all heading back to Sarah's house.

After the first few turns Sarah started with the directions.

"Sarah why are you giving me directions" I asked. 

"So you know where to take me" she replied

"But I know where you live you dozy bint, because it the house next to mine!!"

Sake.

Cruel but funny!

I have lots of stuff to tell you folks, but I have been up nearly 26 hours now and anything i try to type is coming out like I am a monkey bashing a keyboard with his eyes shut!

So I'm going to save my yarns for later and pootle of  to bed.

Any car drivers out there this should cheer you up is kinda cruel but hey what ya gonna do!

Valentines.......

Valentines Day, 

I am against it on the whole

The sickly sweet lovey dovey cards

The massive boxes of chocolates that it would take an army a month to eat.

The standard big cuddle toy.

The hyper inflated prices for flowers.

The hyper hyper inflated prices of roses.

The supposedly intimate meal for two in restaurants that will be packed to the gills.

 

It just all seems so false and shallow don't you think? 

So what will i be doing for valentines this year i hear you ask?

Well I will be getting Mrs.Belfasttaxi a card and a box of chocolates hell I may even get her some flowers, if I can afford it I may even get bloody roses!

Why?

Because it makes her happy and in the end that's what matters i suppose.

Cab Now Pay Later Launched!

Queen's Students' Union, in association with FonaCAB has launched Cab Now Pay Later.

Aimed at getting students home safely, the scheme works when a student calls for a FonaCAB taxi, quotes their student number and asks to use Cab Now Pay Later.

The student then 'pays' for the journey by handing over their student card.

 The card is then returned to the Students' Union the next day and can be collected by the student who then pays the amount owing.

VP Welfare Adam McGibbon is behind the introduction of the scheme and is delighted to be able to bring it to the Students' Union.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.19

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,

a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a yank,

an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard,

a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German,

a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli,

a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czechoslovakian,

and a Swiss man walk into a pub... 

The landlord says 

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"Sorry I can't let you in without a Thai."

 

Frightening Diseases of the Mind

My Name is Belfast Cabby and im an Addict

Hi.

My name is Belfast cabby and I'm an addict.

I first became an addict a few years ago.

Like most people i started using for fun, telling my self i could stop any time i wanted.

But i found myself using more frequently.

Not only more often but also taking bigger fixes just trying to get the same rush i got the first time i used.

Eventually my days where spent obsessing and longing for the night time when I could go home and feed my habit.

In the end i had to break free my life was no longer my own.

So i went cold turkey, ignoring messages from friends who had the same weakness as myself.

In the end i cleaned myself up and got my life back on track.

Imagine my horror when i found my son had picked up the same addiction.

I did what every good father would do and tried to help him, but in the end i just pulled myself back into the mire.

I have ended up back where i started.

My name is Belfast Cabby and I'm addicted to FARMVILLE again!!

My wonderful wee farm with its paddy fields and cows and stuff!

Thats not a Toyota.......

Miss Jodee Berry has sued former employers Hooters for not giving her a prize she won for selling the most beer!

She was told the prize was a Toyota!

What she got was a Toy Yoda!

Mrs.belfasttaxi

Damp Feet.....

Thick headed, Unresponsive, Half a bloody sleep.

All of the above would have been pretty good description of how i spent most if not all of yesterday.

To a certain degree its how i spent most Saturdays.

(not by choice obviously) 

It seems that i never get enough sleep after finishing Fridays night shift.

I for one would love to know why this is because i don't work much later than any other night, with money being as tight as it is for folks at the moment early nights have went the way of the Dodo.

Maybe I'm still a little kid inside and subconsciously excited at the weekend arriving!

Who knows?

The trouble comes though when i don't get enough sleep after Saturdays night shift.

I got to bed just before 6am this morning as i type this its 9:30am and i have been awake about an hour and fifteen minutes.

I will let you do the maths because my head is so far up my backside at the minute if you asked me what 1+1 = i would probably answer “yes butter and marmalade please!”.

The reason for so little sleep this morning though was a little different.

Its not often that i wake up with damp feet and the feel of something ticklish running over the soles of my feet!

It took a few seconds for the grogginess and confusion to clear and register what was going on.

Ruby was at my toe’s nibbling and licking my feet!

Good lord i though i would spew when she put her tongue between my toes.

So she was toldr off and sent back downstairs while i went to wash and dry my feet.

Needless to say i now have nice shiney clean feet but am also friggin wide awake!!

There's no chance  of me getting back over now still at least there's a few decent football matches on later.

Ps: In case you where wondering who Ruby is this is her.

Darth Vader in training

This kiddy has watched to way to much Star Wars!!

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.18

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle.

He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But there is a catch." 

"What catch?" the man asked. 

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man. 

"What is your first wish?" asked the genie. 

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" 

Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?" 

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man. 

Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the genie. 

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man. 

"What is your third and final wish?" 

The man thought long and hard, and finally said,

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"Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

The irish blog awards....

I have read on a few of the blogs i read from day to day that the Irish blog awards are now accepting nominations!!

There are some great blogs out there like

Food Belfast   local restaurant reviews and food matters

The funny as hell Well done fillet written by Maunel t waiter about the goings on in  his restaurant.

Grannymar has quickly become a daily read as has the Lord of Belmont - Tim

I know my days are brighten up by reading the delightful White Rabbit NI.

Sometimes its nice to see your city with a fresh set of eyes Molly an American in Belfast for a years study has been  blogging about her experiences of Belfast, Ireland and Europe in general.

So who ever you feel like voting al you have to do is click on the link and fill out the relevant part of the form!

Click to vote

You don’t have to be Irish or be living in Ireland to vote you just need to read an Irish blog.

 

Dirty F##king Bastard.......

I am not quite sure how to start this post to the blog.

I find it hard to think straight when I'm angry, like most people I suppose.

For the first time since Christmas we had been even kinda busy and i was in good form for a change.

All my jobs so far had been the usual folks heading out to the cinema or the pub.

For some reason most of my work was coming from the east of the city so when i didn't get a fare in the centre of town i decided to head back over east.

I was just passing Central station when my datahead beep to let me know that i had been given a job, it was picking up at one of the Lagan front apartment buildings only a few hundred yards down the road.

I was chuffed after all the closer the work the less i spend on fuel getting there!

When i arrived i didn't need to use call back as my punter was waiting outside.

He was a foreign fella although i am not quite sure where he was from, it i had to guess i would say Spain or Portugal but i could well be wrong as i am hopeless at that kind of thing.

He was well dressed and while he was chatty he spoke quite softly.

He was going to the Kermlin which is a relatively frequent run.
They are probably the no1 gay club in Belfast although many folks i have taken or picked up there in the past have complained that is getting to straight!

Most of the journey he spent asking about which pubs and clubs where open late and other things tourists tend to ask.

Then the questions turned a little more personal.

Where was i from?  Like all taxi drivers in Belfast i was as vague as possible when answering this one.

Was i married? Yes for the last 11 years.

So your not gay?  No sorry afraid not.

Now its the last two questions he didn't seem to pay any attention too, more so it seems the last one about me not being gay!!

No sooner than he finished asking me questions than he started putting his hand on my thigh.

He was told politely to remove it.

He tried to laugh it off as a joke, one didn't find that funny!

After about another minute or so the asshole had put his hand back on my leg, rather than asking him to move it this time i grabbed this wrist.

Which was just as well because his hand was pushing as hard as it could to try to grab my crotch!

Finally i just exploded, Slammed on the brakes and Mr touchy feely bastard was told to get the hell out of the car.

I have never been so happy to get rid of a punter out of my car.

Although the more i though of what he tried to do the angrier I became, I did conceder phoning the cops but that would have meant keeping the perv there until they turned up.

I feel sorry for which ever poor fella he fixed on in the Kremlin assuming he made it there!

Ps: I have nothing against any of the gay community here in Belfast, they provide me with a lot of work and normally never cause any trouble.