Sad taxi driver joke of the week no.24

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

 She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

 The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. 

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

 "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. 

"And by the way," the blonde added,

#

#

#

#

#

#

###

##

#

 "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Ruby goes to the park!

 Ok she may of grown a wee bit since this photo

We have had our pup ruby about 8 months now and from time to time we take her to see her litter mate who are owned by my cousin.

I couldn't go because of my ankle playing up so she took a few videos for me.

This is ruby when she arrived at the park messing about in the woods waiting on the other pups arriving

Ruby had a bit of a run about and was her normal pain in the butt self

But then the real messers of the family turned up and reminded us just how good a dog ruby really is by jumping straight into the river the both of them.

Which made Mrs.belfasttaxi scream like a little girl on this video!

Finally they got them out of the river (mrs.belfasttaxi go a wet butt for her trouble)

but instead of going home in my taxi like they where ment to my cousion and had to walk.

While all we had to but up with was a tired puppy

Thunderstruck........

As you may have read in the last post i fell on my ass much to the amusement of the punters getting into my car.

What i didn't tell you is that twisted my ankle in the fall, i didn't mention it because well it was nothing more than a wee niggle at the time which i assumed would sort itself out.

It did sort itself out by doubling in size and leaving me unable to put any weight on it!

Now i ain't looking sympathy for any of my dear readers cos well sh#t happens, OK  so it happens to me a bit more than others but hey I'm a klutz what you gonna do!

But what would be nice is a little respect in my own house from my so called loving family namely Jr.

Due to the ankle i kinda have to hop everywhere which is bad enough when you weigh nearly 30 stone.

But its is made so much worse when you are followed about  by a 10 year old little prat going

na na na na na na na na  THUNDER,

na na na na na na na na THUNDER
every time my foot hit the floor, hes friggin dead if i ever manage to catch him.

Ac/Dc have a lot to answer for.

A little Trip

Cayenne on Great Victoria st

Friday night was turning out to be normal half hearted slog its been for the last month or so now and if i am honest i was staring to come up with an excuse that Mrs.belfasttaxi would believe for calling it a night.

I wasnt having much luck the trouble with having a spouse in the same trade as yourself is they know when your spoofing.

Just as i was about to get out and stretch my legs i got a call to Cayenne to pick up table 50 going to Bangor.

Nice little run i was quite chuffed, so off a sped

 (parking outside Cayenne can be difficult) 

I managed to get parked easily right outside the door which was great as my leg still gives me some hassle and was badly swollen!

Anyhoo i go in and ask the lovely waitress for my table and wait by the front door.

(staff in Cayenne are always lovely and great to deal with)

I'm told they are on there way so i go to head back to the car, trouble is my knee has just locked up.

So i am for the want of a better description gimpping (picture Igor form Frankenstein movies) back to the car trying to look as normal as possible when my fare, two couples  come out of the building and call to me checking i was for them.

I turned round smiled at them and assured them i was.

I then spun back round missed the curb and with all the grace of a hippo high diving bellyfloped onto the road

I am pretty sure i looked like a  beached manatee laying in the road.

I know what you think my fare ran to my aid being the kind well rounded people of the world that they where!

Did they my arse, they near wet  themselves laughing.

Bastards

Still  revenge was mine sort of!

I went to Bangor the long way.

New Exercise Routine

I have finally given in and decided to start an exercise routine as my doctor has been asking me to do.

Rather than slogging off to the gym after a hard days driving, i though things would work out better with a solid piece of home exercise equipment.

Thankfully i found a piece of kit that suits me and was cheap to buy.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

A break at last

I dread the budget when it comes round every year mostly due to them increasing fuel duty.

Thankfully the Chancellor has stopped the automatic rise in duty that was due next week (inflation plus 1 penny on a litre = 6 pence this time round) that would have seen the price for a gallon of diesel go up to £5.90 in fact he even dropped duty by a penny a litre.

At the minute 60 odd percent of the cost of a gallon of diesel is tax meaning that roughly £3.54 out of £5.90 is tax.

To think that when i started taxi driving a gallon of fuel was about £2.80 and that was only 6 -7 years ago.

The new measure won't provide much relief but if it stops or even delays them worsening even a little they are most welcome.

Taxi drivers sad joke of the week no 23

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.

Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred pounds per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred quid a visit?"

"A taxi driver cured me for ten quid."

"Is that so!"

"How?"
#

#

#

#

#

#

####

##

#

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" 

Lent Fail..........IBA's i needed to know!

OK so the wife's little plan for us to suffer together didn't quite work out, i couldn't do without knowing who won the Irish Blog Awards.

Or in her words" I am weak" after 12 tears of marriage you would have though she might have known this, its probably the reason i give in to her so much!

Anyhoo i would like to congratulate all those who won on Saturday night with special congrats going to the Legend that is Manuel of the Well done fillet who after many year of being robbed finally won best humour, any one who doesn't read the well done fillet seriously check it out.

I would also like to give a wee mention to

Clive and his owner Murry for Assistance Dog for Autism as best specialist blog, which is a great wee read.

Also to Nessa's Family Kitchen for best new blog. 

I was lucky enough to help judge (under my proper name) these categories and am chuffed they both won.

Lent update

Ok it has been decided that for lent i wont be giving up me beloved tayto cheese and onion.

Instead i will be giving up the internet, my wife pointed out that i spend at least a couple of hours a day online.

With the number of blogs i read amongst other things like facebook and twitter what she says is probably true.

So for the next 40 days or so i am outta hear and in a sad way i am kinda of looking forward to the challenge.

The only allowance is that i will still have my email as that is sent to my phone anyway so if anyone wants me still feel free to drop me a line.

Lent.

Have you ever given up anything for lent.

I haven't and to be honest i was happy not bothering, however she who must be obeyed is going to.

Therefore in Belfasttaxi tradition i am going to suffer as well.

The only question is what to give up some of the things i would like to give up are

driving,

shaving,

having to look after jr when the footballs on,

taking Ruby out for a pee,

taking Ruby out for a not a pee 

and the doing the dishes.

Of course there is more chance of a monkey crawling out of my ass than me getting away with any of the above.

No as a fat man who needs to lose a few stone i am pretty sure it will be some kind of foodstuff.

I just hope its not my beloved Tayto cheesy onions

The Worst Bit........

Do you want to know the worst part of  working night shift?

Its just after i get out of my car for the first time in 12 hours.

Why?

Well to answer you simply all the muscles in my legs and back have seized and they are not best chuffed at being asked to carry hulking mass into the house never mind up the stairs.

Or to put it another way i hate walking like a zombie with a case of the dribbly shits who didn't make it to the loo in time!

I am only thankful that in the wee small hours there is no one about to laugh at me.

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.22

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had a little trouble with kids. 

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God

(wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). 

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle!

#

#

#

#

#

####

##

#

Take two and keep away from children

How to make a woman happy!........ Points Guide

 

In the world of relationships, one single rule applies:
 

Make the woman happy.
 

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way it is.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)
 

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0) 

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
 

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
 

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
 

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
 

She sends you out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
 

But return with beer (-5)
 

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
 

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
 

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
 

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
 

It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
 

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy (-2)
 

Named Tiffany (-4)
 

 Tiffany is a model (-6)

Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner (0)
 

You take her out to dinner and it's not Pizza Hut (+1)
 

Okay, it is a Pizza Hut (-20)
 

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-30)
 

It's a Pizza Hut, it's all-you-can-eat night, and you take a drink so she has to drive you home (-100)

A Night Out with The Boys

Go out with a mate (-5)
 

And the mate is happily married (-4)
 

Or single (-7)
 

And he drives a porsche (-10)
 

With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie (+2)
 

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
 

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
 

You take her to a movie you like (-2)
 

It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
 

 Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
 

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
 

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
 

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
 

You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"

You tell the truth (-5)
 

You hesitate in responding (-10)
 

You reply, "No?" while trying not to laugh (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
 

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
 

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
 

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

Dummys...................

Belfast City Airport Anything to Screw Another Few Quid Out of You

 Roads Paved with Gold

Yesterday Belfast City Airport decided to impose more charges on its customers using its drop off and pick up zone,

From Tuesday 1st March 2011, using traffic management as an excuse the airport declared the 10 minute free period for the pick up and drop off zone may only be used once.

After which GBBCA will operate a ‘No return within 30 minutes policy so that the sneaky wee shites who leave the carpark and re-enter after 10 minutes instead of giving us money will have to pay when the person they are waiting to pick up is late on one of our flights.’
(this would included lots and lots of taxis)

If you return to the Pick Up & Drop Off Zone within 30 minutes of your previous visit even if you are a taxi bringing different customers, you will automatically be charged a minimum of £2.00 upon exit. 

This should make us lots and lots of lovely cash because taxis in the mornings sometimes drop here several times and hour.

New style Traffic Lights