Drunks - The rules!!!

So comfy huh! 

I have a couple of rules about picking up drunks,  rules i arrived at by bitter experience.

1. If you cant walk to the cab by yourself i aint taken you anywhere.

2.Your so drunk that only you know what the hell you are saying you stay where you are.

These rules came from one of the worst experiences as a fledgling taxi driver.

Looking back i should have seen it coming and never have taken the fare in the first place, the the relief in the bouncers eyes that was the first warning sign that i missed but the fact that the door staff where paying the fare to get rid of this jerk should have sent alarm bells ringing!

With a bouncer under each arm Dicko (as i have named him) wobbled his way to my motor and was dumped in the front seat.

I knew from my data head he was heading to Killyleagh about 20 odd miles outside Belfast but asked him anyhow where he was for.

 "gi will owsh you wwhen ywe get thdere"   replyed Dicko

So against my better judgment off we went heading out into the back of beyond.

Not surprisingly Dicko fell asleep before we had gone a mile, at the time i thought it was a blessing as it saved me listening to him blather on incoherently.

Any way i figured i could wake him nearer to home and with any luck his nap would sober him up a little.

Thats not what happened!!

The first sign that got though my thick skull and made me think i had a problem was when Dicko tried to start cuddle me and snuggle his head onto my shoulder.

Now driving when someones trying to feel you up and drooling down your shoulder aint easy so needless to say i tried to revive him enough to get him back into his chair.

Dicko was obviously dreaming he was at home in bed  because he got awful upset that i keep pushing him off and kept mumbling.

"Sandra i jwust twant a wkee cuddle darrling".

If i wasn't freaked out enough at this point he started kicking the glove box and smacking the cab door.

I couldn't stand for that and pulled over just outside Ballygowen and rattled him about a bit to wake him.

After nearly getting punched for my efforts i got him fairly conscious, once he was roused it was clear he remembered nothing so i asked him to stay awake and on we headed.

We couldnt have got more than i dont know say 2 miles before he was out for the count again and shaking him got no response.

Just as we rounded a tight bend Dicko reached out grabbed my handbrake pulling it up as hard as he could almost sending the cab  in to a bloody wall and recking the handbrake.

This twat had just nearly killed me.

I almost exploded with rage i had him pinned to the passengers side window by the throat this was honestly the closest i have ever come to punching a customer.

After i calmed down i was faced with a choice continue on with this prick or dump him out.

The only reason i didnt dump him was we where in the backside of nowhere,he couldn't even stand and if i left him there was a good chance he would lie on the road and get hit by the next car to come a long.

The shock off  being grabbed by the throat sobered him up a fair amount, i still had trouble making out what he said but at least he was awake!!

When we eventually arrived in Killyleagh he going round in circles to find his house, when asked for directions all i kept getting was " hnext right" even when there was on f**kin right turn.

After about 15 minutes he did find his house this was then followed by 20 minutes of me telling him he was home, me telling him to get out, me telling him to get the f**k out of the car and finally me dragging his ass out of the car and plopping him down at this door.

As i set him down one of this neighbors came out asking if he was alright?

Jim Jim you know you dont live here now!

(Dicko turned out to be called Jim and had moved out of this house about 6 months ago.)

Where does he live now i asked?

Just round the corner dont worry i will sort him out he does this all the time!!

I was outta there like a shot.

Never again.

So

1. If you cant walk to the cab by yourself i aint taken you anywhere.

2.Your so drunk that only you know what the hell you are saying you stay where you are.

BTD