Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Eve....



Enjoy New years eve, celebrate what ever way you like.

But remember tonight is one of the busiest for taxi drivers and the crowds  can be absolute bedlam so think about how you will get home tonight!!
 
 
Stay at a friends, call a cab, have a designated driver, walk, hell send me an email if your really stuck, whatever...Just

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE
 
 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Any empty bottles?


So i had to queue for water in a country that only 2 days ago was 2 feet deep in bloody snow.
(Well the wife did i have a dodgy leg so cant but i was there in spirit).

Only in this wee country is it possible to go from snowed in to drought in less than 48 hours.

I feel like shouting and yelling but i know that i have a snowflakes chance in hell of anyone who cares and is able to do anything hearing me.

The most frustrating thing is the lack of information from the water service of Northern Ireland all they will tell us is that the interruption will last a few days and water if you bring your own containers and showers between 9am and 10am are available at one of three leisure centres.

That said

Now we have drinking water and are able to cook food again 

If we are careful we might even be able to wash the dishes.

But if we plan to flush the loo any time soon and it really needs done soon we wont have much left for anything else.

So i had better keep this post short if i am going to have to drop Mrs.belfasttaxi back down to the line again as she doesn't like queuing after dark.

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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Water need water......


I am beginning to think that someone out there doesn't like me.

For the guts of a week i have had no water because the supply pipe into my house was frozen.

Now all the ice has gone the water service of Northern Ireland cant cope with all the cracked and broken pipes.

Which means that once again i have no friggin water.

The best they can do is tell me to go to a local leisure centre to collect up to 20 litres so long as i can bring my own containers!!

Also if i could make it down before 10 that would be nice!!

As much as i whinge about it for me its an inconvenience i can go collect water but what are Northern Ireland water service doing for the ill or infirmed?

Very little as far as i can see most of those unable to make it to collect water are reliant on their friends and neighbours.

If you unfortunate to have to go collect water at one of the stations please think if there is anyone you know who may need someone to pick up bottle or two from them.




Ps: on the plus side i am getting a night off because i cant wash my uniform!!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The great Ulster fry

Tradition is that on Christmas day we have what is simply the king of all breakfasts.

Nothing sets you up for the day like

The Ulster Fry

A proper Ulster fry will contain:
bacon, fried eggs, sausages, soda bread, potato bread, Black pudding
and sometimes a piece of Veg roll or a fried pancake.

Anything else is just garnish


The only drink suitable for consumption with a full ulster is of course tea that has been
boiled orange and so strong you can stand the spoon up in it.
 
nom nom

Friday, December 24, 2010

Seasons Greetings


Well folks here we are its Christmas eve and no doubt we are all running around like headless chickens doing stuff that we thought was all ready sorted .

Swearing that next year that everything will be done weeks in advance so we don't get stressed to the high heavens.

I kind of like the last minute running around it never quite feels like Christmas without it.

Anyway

Wherever you are and whoever you spend it with have a Magical Christmas and a fantastic new year.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Secret Santa The rules.....

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.14....... Free Beer


A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.

Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man slowly gets drunk, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. 

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says
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"Where's that woman with the sore tooth?
 
 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Jr finishing school for Christmas….


So Jr finish's school to day for 2 whole weeks God alone knows how i am going to keep him entertained, even worse his obsession with Santa will start now.

For the next 2 day or so all i will hear is will Santa this and will Santa that, what time will Santa be coming on Christmas eve.

For the last few year he has even made me check on Norad so he can check exactly where Satan  sorry Santa is and has been.

I suppose at least he goes to bed on time for a change without complaining
The sooner the Beardy wonder does his duty and sod off for another year the better.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Worst Santas ever.....

If you don't feel just a little creeped out there is something wrong with you.

This is why you only leave out a small sherry!





20 ways to mess with Santas head.......


 1.Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
  
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
    
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
    
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
 
  5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
   
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
   
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
   
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
   
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
  
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
    
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
  
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
    
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
   
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
   
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
    
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
    
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
   
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
    
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
   
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."


20 ways to annoy friends and family at Christmas.....



   1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.

    2. Go to the shopping centre with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

3.Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

    4. Squat in a corner rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
   
5. Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When anyone enters or leaves the room, plant a big wet one on his/her lips.
    
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
   
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
  
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (i.e., "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")
   
9. Contuinuously sing Millenium Prayer, the Cliff Richard version.
   
  10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..." Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
    
11. Build a snowman with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically"it didn't work!"
  
12. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donna, and Blitzen, etc."
   
13. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
   
14. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" (The Lords Of Darkness apply here too...)
    
15. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
       
16. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
        
17. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his/her wings."
     
18. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
    
19. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
    
20. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Snow ball in the road

Alright i know a snowball in the road shouldn't be cause for alarm.
But this snowball was the size of a boulder and left right in the middle off the road!!


That said it must have taken a lot of work to put it there!!

"Horse Outside"



On Saturday night i had a cab full of punters form Dublin the lord alone knows how they made it to Belfast  threw the blizzards.

They not surprisingly had been on the sauce and where really quite bouncy and irritatingly happy.

Which has driving me nucking futs as i was just a little stressed from driving a two and a half ton cab on what outside the Belfast city centre where slippery and treacherous roads.

But that's a different story though, the song they screeched that grated on me most was one of the worst i have ever heard.

Its not fair that I suffer alone.

So with out any further introductions I give you

"Horse Outside"
Make sure the kids are out of the room





Saturday, December 18, 2010

Fed up with Snow ...why not batter a penguin ?



 I am bloody sick to death of this snow and cold weather it make working such a pain in the butt.

Well there sure as hell isn't much i can do about the weather.
(except gurn)

So I recommend cheering yourself up by hitting penguins with a spiky bat to see how far they go.
(Yes i know its not the penguins fault but they like this weather and that close enough for me!!)

NO PENGUINS WHERE HURT IN THE MAKING OF THIS GAME



Click the Yeti once to make the Penguin jump and then again to hit the smug little git.
(remember to time your swing)

Let me know your best distance you never know there may be prizes


Friday, December 17, 2010

Service Withdrawn


I have been under the weather most of the last week ( mixture of head cold and nasty eye infection that made my eye swell up like i had been punched) so i ain't been out working as much as i should have been.

So now that i was all tickety boo again I was looking forward to getting out to work.

So when i seen tonight weather report I wasn't going to be put off my a little bit of snow.

I mean how bad can it be?

About this bad I reckon!


Well i found out pretty damn quick as i slipped slid just trying to move off and driving in a straight line was difficult as the cab wanted to skid every time it hit a bump.

I got stuck on the hill on Park Ave and had to slide down backwards with only about a yards worth of vision behind me.

In the end I had to admit defeat.

Yes i could use the cash this close to Christmas especially with being off but at the same time its hard to make money taxiing when the top speed you can do is about 10 mph.

More heavy snow is forecast for today.

But I will try again tonight  when with any luck the roads service may have the streets in better condition.
(wont hold my breath though)

To be honest i expect any one with half brain will be stay the hell indoors, but i bet it wont stop those going to their works party's!




Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Every time i hear this song i want to cry......


If i hear this stupid bloody song one more time before Christmas i wont be held responsible for my actions
One of the local Belfast radio stations plays it to death ever frigging year!!

I drive a taxi which means i hear about 10 to 11 hours of radio a day which seems to mean I hear this wretched song 10 to 11 times a day.

I no longer want to suffer alone so here now you can listen to it as well!!

Silent Night / Hallelujah Mash up.......

Alaninbelfast posted a link to this song/mashup on his twitter.

Its by a girl called Kata Hay and is a cover of both Silent Night and Hallelujah it is simply beautiful.



Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Belfast Christmas Traditions..... The Black Santa



The "Black Santa" tradition at Belfast Cathedral was started by Dean Sammy Crooks in 1976.

Concerned at the emphasis being placed on necessary and costly building programmes at the Cathedral, Dean Crooks decided to stand on Donegal Street in front of the Cathedral and beg for the poor and charitable causes.

With a small barrel in which donations could be placed, and dressed in the familiar black, Anglican clerical cloak, Dean Crooks "sat out" each day of the week before Christmas. Thus began the tradition of Belfast's Deans sitting out for charities.

The local press described Dean Crooks as, Belfast's Black Santa, and the description struck a lasting chord with the public.

Dean Crooks was succeeded by Dean Jack Shearer who involved members of the Cathedral Chapter in the Sit out. Under his leadership the event continued to develop so that by his last Sit out in 2000, a total of £2.2 million pounds had been raised for charities over the previous 24 years.

The commencement of the Sit out attracts considerable attention in the local press, radio and television. The leaders of the four main Churches in Ireland, the Lord Mayor of Belfast and many other community leaders call at the Cathedral to greet the Dean...and to contribute!

All the money gathered is donated to local charities with a proportion given to Christian Aid. The range of charities includes medical research; those caring for children, youth and the elderly; the improvement of employment opportunities for young people and a host of small charities which cannot afford paid fund-raisers.

Most of the money donated is given by people who come to the Cathedral during the Sit out. Contributions are made by individuals, families, schools, offices and workplaces.

Some schools send the collection from their Christmas Carol Services or the proceeds of their Christmas Shows. Some school choirs and bands come and perform on the cathedral steps during the Sit out. To the fore amongst the schools are the students of Fleming Fulton School who all cope daily with physical disability.
The present Dean, Dr. Houston McKelvey says "These students exemplify the spirit of the Sit out. despite the problems with which they and their families cope with daily, they have an annual 'Pennies from Heaven' appeal for the Sit out for which they collect coins in Coke bottles. They have raised thousands of pounds for the Sit out in this way".

Some donors collect in the same way, all the year round, for the Sit out by emptying their pockets and purses each day and placing pennies, tuppences, five and ten pence coins in tins, or jars or bottles which they bring to the Cathedral.

Commenting on the Sit out, Dean McKelvey said, "The Sit out fully demonstrates the charitable nature of the overwhelming majority of people in this part of Ireland.

To be the leader of the team organising the Sit out is a tremendous experience which is only surpassed by actually being at the receiving end of so much generosity.

The experience is breath-taking both physically and spiritually. Charity is indeed the greatest of the Christian and human virtues".

Donations may be made at any time of the year, by sending a cheque made payable to "Cathedral Sit out" to the Dean, at Belfast Cathedral, Donegall Street, Belfast BT1 2HB

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.13



Santa Claus needed a vacation.

He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. 

As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?" 
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he decided to disguise himself.

He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!" He thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!"

Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. 

"I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.

So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.

Suddenly a man shouted "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!" Santa couldn't believe it.

He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?" The man looked at Santa and said, "
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You? I don't know you-- but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you, Rudolph?"


Monday, December 13, 2010

The Pilots


I have been a wee bit under the weather over the weekend but had a good Saturday night along with a few interesting items of lost property.

I will post about them later, for now why not grab a cuppa and watch some Armstrong and Miller with me?

I love the RAF Pilots.

RAF airmen from World War II, who have the language and attitudes of stereotypical modern-day teenagers, albeit with upper class accents










Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Idiot test......


Its the weekend and you have a few minutes to kill then why not take the idiot test?

Let me know how you did.



Friday, December 10, 2010

Now you see it ...... Now you dont!



Monday night was actually busy.

I normally don't bother working Mondays simply because they are dire and i spend most of my time sitting around the usual taxi haunts staring at other taxi drivers.
And lets be honest they ain't exactly a good looking bunch.

I had all sorts of punters ranging from late night shoppers doing the weekly grocery shop at 2.30am to clubbers out enjoying the pubs and clubs.

There is one couple i wanted to tell you about, well one half of the couple anyhow.

I think it was about half past three in the morning when i picked them up at the 24 hour Subway on Dublin Rd.

They where heading up to Four winds on the outskirts of Belfast, these two punters behaved like your typical drunken teenagers (which they where) ignoring me and concentrating on a combination of drunken mumbles coupled with bouts of trying to get as much of the other ones face inside their mouths as possible.

It was a pretty clear run despite the snow and ice so we arrived at the girls address in next to no time.

The fella in the back obviously thought this was his stop as well and was shall we say last than pleased when he found out he was going home where he liked it or not.
After what i am sure was ether pleading or begging I'm not quite sure which he accepted his fate and slumped back in to the car and ordered me to take him to Carryduff.
Now like i said these folks had a wee bit too much drink taken and now he was missing a distraction Mr lonely in the back was starting to feel a little motion sickness.


I had only managed to get a few miles up the road when i heard an all to familiar sound.

Oh crap he was retching and waving for me to pull over.
Now i pulled over as quick as i can but it takes a few seconds.

Behind me a i hear the horrid sound of rancid kebab and  too many wkd's funneling out of his gob.

Finally he got out of the cab and empties his guts at the side of the road. 

While he is doing this i get out to look in the back see the extent of the damage as i need to know if this is the end of my night or where i can clean things up and work on.

So i open the rear doors turn the lights on in the back of the cab and i cant believe what i see on the seats and floor of the cab.

Nothing they are all lovely and clean not a damp patch on them anywhere.

But now i am confused Lonely humpy dude spewed for a good 10 seconds before he got out so where the hell was it?

Oh hell no i thought not in the pocket on the back of the drivers seat!!

Dirty git!

But no it was empty as well.

So lonely dude wanders back over and tells me he is close enough and will walk the rest, he pays his fare and starts to dander on home.

But i need to know where the hell did he puke?

So i shouted after him "fella when you where sick what happened, where did it go"?

He pointed to his arm.

It turned out when he puked he had spewed down the sleeve of his coat from the wrist end so that it didn't make a mess!!

I am still not sure whether to be impressed or discussed?

But at least he kept the cab clean.


Thursday, December 09, 2010

Sad taxi drivers joke of the week no.12


A family had twin girls whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.

If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.

Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.

The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found her sitting amid her new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found her dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

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To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Oh shit Oh shit make the bad car stop......



Early hours of this morning it had just finished snowing and i had just finished a run to east Belfast.

The Upper Newtownards Rd to be exact.
Well one of the little side streets just of it.

My customer safely deposited at her place of residence i started making my way back on the N,townards Rd.

What I didn't noticed on my way in was a tiny tiny hill in fact it was barely an incline.

I did notice it on the way out however because when i pushed the big make car go slower /stop pedal nothing happened.
Now it needs to be said I wasn't going all that quickly at most i was travelling about 5mph and to be fair that's probably exaggerating.

So what's the problem i hear you ask your only sliding at 5ish mph?

Well yes i was only doing 5ish mph but i was also about to slide straight out on to one of the busiest roads in Belfast.

The first thing I thought was oh shit oh shit make the bad car stop!

The second thing I thought realizing thought number one wasn't going to help was this things moving so slow I could just about stand up and just get out and i will be fine.

The third thought was if i get out then i will have a hell of a time explaining any accident to the cops and if i was still inside i might be able to do something when i regain control.

So i put on the hazard lights ( I figured a car that wouldn't stop was a hazard) to try and attract other drivers attention.

I also decided to sound my horn figuring it would get more drivers spot me and give them a chance of avoiding me.

So heart racing, horn sounding and hazards flashing i slid out on to the main Rd.

Where coming straight for me was nothing yup not a thing.

In my panic I had managed to forget it was the early hours of the morning so i ended up feeling a bit of a prat.

Even though it turned out to be a panic over nothing I still had a great adrenaline rush and a case of the shakes for a good half hour.


Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Go elf yourself

While i was under the weather  i came across this website!

Elfyourself.com it uses your photo to make you (or your victim) into a dancing elf.

Was going to use a photo of Belfast Cabby but he got upset and threw a huff typical man!!




Monday, December 06, 2010

Time to Christmas things up…..

Ok i am not normally one who goes in for a lot of the shazzam around Christmas, i like to enjoy Christmas quietly with family and don't feel the need to light up the front of my house with plastic reindeers for six weeks prior to the event.

But i am going to make an exception this year and jazz up the cab, Christmas it up as such.

Why am i doing this?

Because Mrs.belfasttaxi told me i have too.

She also mumbled something about me being a miserable auld  grump and offered me a humbug for some reason

So form tonight i will probably be the only taxi in Belfast with a dancing Santa on the inside and a pair of antlers plus a red nose on the outside!

Oh well i suppose if nothing else they will attract attention which might get me a little more work.

Although if it was me it would be the one cab i would avoid.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Hello police my snowman is missing......


OK this isn't a wind up this is a real call by some moron to the cops in England because her snowman went missing!!




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